118. I tried and then tried again and then again and got nothing.

My selection of my best writing from 2023.

This is the first POMELO you’ll be receiving this year and I’ve written four entirely different essays and not felt like I said what I wanted to say in any of them. I’m a big ball of emotions right now and not the lightest type either.

I’m feeling conflict arise because the new year and the idea of starting afresh is putting a lot of pressure on me and I don’t see life that way right now. I’m trying to take a step inwards to find the place where I feel comfortable staying and retreating to while everything around me blasts “new year, new start, blank slate, white canvas, leave the old behind, new this, new that” in my face. There’s nothing wrong with that but it’s not helping me. It’s making me feel paralysed and it’s making me feel like I’m being forced to let this past year go to start from 0 in January and that’s not something I want to do.

I’ve spent all day in front of my computer, honestly literally all day, and I’ve written two long essays, one post with photos and stories and another about how I don’t agree with the “new year new me” but it was pointless because I can’t do it right now and that’s ok too. It’s happened before and it will happen again. I don’t have anything to give this week and my new favourite analogy is the following:

I need to fill up my own tank of water so that my needs are met and when they are, I’ll be able to give out clean water from the top of the tank. If I abandon my own needs and feelings, the tank will become empty and all I’ll have to give are the sediments at the bottom; and that’s how I feel right now. I don’t want to give you that.

I’ve written some really good stuff this year so I’ve decided to put together a list of my favourite writing. Essays that I remember pouring my soul and fingertips into and being proud of the end result. If you’re new here, maybe you’ll enjoy reading some of my past work and if you’ve already read them all, I’d first of all like to say thank you and second of all say that I’ll be back next week with a tank full of clean fresh water to hand out with love.

Thank you for being here, thank you for wanting to belong to this little space on the Internet, thank you for your support and love. I see every single one of you and it blows my mind every day that we’re doing this but I love it and it feels good, so let’s keep doing it throughout 2024.

Love, Emily.

Some of my favourite essays I’ve written this year:

• 72. I’ll never be Hailey Bieber

• 74. I had a panic attack

• 78. The first car my boyfriend and I bought together

• 85. Handle with care

• 94. Writing from Paris

• 99. Someone taught me a valuable lesson this week

• 100. I can’t believe we made it here

• 105. Regresar a casa después de unos meses fuera

• 109. Why I hate LinkedIn

• 110. My experience living in the countryside

• 114. My type of luxury is cheap

• 116. I found joy and had fun writing again

• 117. It happened again this week

<3