116. I found joy and had fun in writing again.
An English text about building our house, a Spanish text about my second tongue and an English text about healing old wounds.
We bought a plot of land with a derelict barn on it. We’re going to rebuild the barn into a cosy home and mix the old stones with new wood. We’re going to have big windows to let the light in and an open plan kitchen to host dinners. The kitchen is going to have an industrial look to it and no cupboards, we prefer shelves and metal rails to hang things from. I’m a big fan of stainless steel countertops and gas cookers too. We’re going to have two bathrooms and one of them will have a bathtub because sometimes only a boiling red hot bath can fix certain problems.
On our land we’re going to have a big allotment full of flowers, fruits and vegetables. The seasons will guide us to know what to plant and when, food will be abundant and I’ll spend a lot of time out in the garden. We’ll also have a herb section for herbal teas and cooking, aromatics plants are always great to have on hand. Another thing we’ll have are animals, hens for eggs of course, and we’ll finally take the step of having a couple of goats, a few sheep and maybe even a donkey; we’ll see about the last one.
Our life in this new place is going to be perfect, I can see the direct sunlight on the hard wood floors as I walk into the kitchen in the morning. I can see the fresh flowers on the windowsill picked from the garden. I can see myself laying in the bathtub looking up at the wooden beams in the ceiling still in awe of this new life. I can see myself going out in my wellies to grab the freshly laid eggs to make my morning omelette. Every time I see myself in this new home I feel so many different feelings at the same time. I close my eyes and I can see it all. It’s so easy to just close my eyes and teleport to this new house we’re going to build and live in. Everything is so perfect, so sunny, so warm, so cosy, so unreal, so far away.
As I look out of the car window in the passenger seat I allow my mind to wander to the future. I hang on to this dream home that we’re going to live in. I give it so much weight and I feel like life is only a trial run leading me to that future moment. I disconnect from reality and I go into my mind and live in there where I can have exactly what I imagine within a matter of seconds. I can get as specific as I like and I can see it clearly. I tell myself that that is when life will be all sorted. When we build that house we’ll have made it. When we find that plot of land we’ll have found our ideal place and we’ll settle there forever and ever because somehow magically this place will change our personalities and we’ll no longer feel the need to keep finding new places to experience.
As I disconnect from where I truly am in this moment, I miss what’s happening around me. While I’m too busy dreaming about our future home I miss the view I have in front of me, I don’t see the autumn leaves falling from the trees with the wind, I don’t see the deer running through the field we’re driving past, I don’t see the eagles sat on the top of the telephone poles, I miss the puppy barking and playing with its mother by the gate. I miss the blue sky and the clouds that are floating through it. I forget that I’m already living a unique experience and that every second I don’t value it, it disappears, lost forever. I forget that I may never make it to build that dream house of mine, I may die before I ever reach that moment and I’ll have let so much of the present moment fall like water through my fingers. What will have been worth living if everything the present moment gave me was never enough because I was always dreaming of a finish line that may not even belong to the marathon I’m taking part in. I was so distracted looking somewhere else that I forgot what was always in front of me.
Desde hace tiempo me apetecía escribir en español. Por alguna razón nunca me lo permito y no es porque mi segundo idioma no lo merezca sino es porque le temo. Me da miedo cometer fallos ortográficos y de hecho no me siento la misma persona. Ahora mientras escribo siento como mis palabras salen de otra parte de mi cerebro y mi tono de voz se vuelve más grave. Uso más adjetivos y escribo con más intensidad. Quizás nadie más lo note, pero yo sí. Hay personas quienes nunca conocerán a la Emily británica y es una pena porque esa versión de mí misma me gusta más. Se expresa mejor, es más graciosa y cariñosa, más pura.
El español que yo conozco no es mío ni es un solo tipo de español sino que es una mezcla de muchas personas que formaron parte de mi vida y dejaron su huella en mí. Mi profesora de primaria Maribel a la que tanto quise, mi profesor de matemáticas en el instituto al que tanto temía decepcionar y siempre decepcionaba, mis amigos de clase que eran andaluces de pueblo y me enseñaron a expresarme como ellos, mi amiga de la adolescencia uruguaya que pronunciaba lluvia como /shúvia/, mi primer novio de la adolescencia que era de madre marroquí y padre cordobés, mi profesora de plástica y dibujo técnico que era madrileña, mi pareja actual que es riojano y completamente distinto a lo que conocía antes, mis amigas murcianas, cordobesas o canarias…
Yo no tengo un origen concreto en España ni me consideran española entonces cuando hablo este idioma que me pertenece y forma parte de mi ser, me siento una impostora y siento que llevo una máscara que no permite traspasar a la Emily más real que está detrás. Aprendí demasiados mecanismos de defensa de pequeña y me volví realmente hábil con este idioma en bachillerato cuando mi vida estaba llena de pasiones e intensidad. Aún escribo de esa forma, hay una clara diferenciación entre las voces y las palabras usadas, y no me siento yo. No me siento cómoda y ojalá pudiera escribiros desde mi Emily británica en español, pero aún no sé cómo hacerlo. Lo que sí sé es que no aprenderé a hacerlo si no lo intento—este es el primer intento.
This week they tried to touch my buttons and I noticed that the buttons they were trying to push no longer worked. They used to, that's why they knew to press at them until they got the desired result. They pushed and pushed and I felt a new level of maturity. I could see them throwing their toys out of the pram and I knew that it had nothing to do with me so I didn’t go into panic mode. I didn’t feel triggered. I could see them getting heated as I remained cooled. I would have used to feel the need to run in with a bucket of ice water to put out their fire. God forbid they get angry and it be my fault for letting their button pressing turn me on. This time there were no buttons to press because I wasn’t in my head, I was in my whole body and I allowed them to express what they were experiencing. I even allowed them to project their hard feelings onto me and use me to make them feel better, all while not feeling anything other than compassion and love. That was a full circle moment. A tic from life that I am growing and healing, I am becoming the person I want to be and that if you really want to, people can change and leave behind old patterns.
STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓
- has designed a 2024 wall calendar that’s really cool, check it out here.
Sofía Ostoic has also designed a really cool 2024 wall calendar which she printed herself, you can check it out here.
@pagesbymaria and @merimartis have designed a 2024 planner which is awesome. You can check it out and get more info about it here.
I loved this essay written by
- A review of The Boy and the Heron and a real world interpretation.- ha empezado una nueva sección llamada “una habitación compartida” y su amiga Asun ha sido la primera persona en escribir un texto. Me parece una iniciativa bellísima y también me encanta el nombre.
- ha escrito sobre los objetos que más le gustan de la cocina y me parece muy tierno y bello que tenga tanto aprecio por sus utensilios y que los cuide con tanto cariño.
Earnisdead is a 3D artist, illustrator, painter, drawer, musician, clothing designer, amateur tattoo artist and in general, a creative person. He sometimes does commissions and has does a lot of work for Adam Casanova who is my current favourite singer with this song: Punchline.
so lovely 🫶🏻 ty for sharing!
Ohhh wow Loved reading this so much!! The balance between the dream and the present world is beautiful, It's like preparing your soul to live that dream.