117. It happened again this week.

An English text about loving over judging, a Spanish text about thinking you know it all and an English text about being an introvert and needing to set boundaries.

You can’t love and judge at the same time, and I’d rather spend my life loving rather than judging. When you begin to pick at someone’s words or behaviours to find things that aren’t there, you’ll lose focus of a much broader picture where the purity lies. As soon as you start to criticise someone using your own criteria as the rubric, you’re going to reduce that whole person into what you thought you saw or felt. What if this was all your own perception and your own insecurities that you’re projecting onto someone else to try to make yourself feel better? What if that person really wasn’t being nasty or egocentric but you don’t feel comfortable around someone else’s boundary? What if that person wasn’t being selfish but was so caught up in the moment and happy to see you that they completely forgot to offer? What if that person has been thinking for days about seeing you and has been telling all of their friends about how excited they are to visit you, but then fell into a state of flow and didn’t specifically tell you how happy they were? Does that mean they care any less?

We jump to conclusions, we over-analyse, we pick apart at conversations and other people’s actions, we go over the same situation in our head trying to find where it went wrong, we reflect on what we would have done if we had been in their shoes, how much better we would have handled it. Life is always easy in hindsight. We, we, we… as if we were the perfect human that does everything exactly as we’d like to every moment of the day, in every situation and with every person we encounter, all while enchanting everyone with our magical loving energy. 

No existe algo bueno o malo. No existe. Siento fastidiarte esa realidad en la que vivías. Siento llegar a tu palacio de cristal con un ladrillo enorme y dejarlo caer en tu tejado. Ya que tú no tiras la piedra, pues te la tiro yo. Tu vida no es mejor que la de otro, tú no tienes la solución del mundo, tú no vas a arreglarle la vida a nadie, ni siquiera la tuya posiblemente. La vida no está compuesto por cosas buenas o malas, la vida está compuesta por eventos y cada evento es como un huevo Kinder porque en su interior se oculta una yemita de plástico con un aprendizaje dentro, pero depende de ti abrir las mini instrucciones y ponerte a montar el muñequito que trae dentro y digerir lo que tiene que ofrecerte. Si tú no quieres sacar la lección del evento, es cosa tuya, pero no se puede ir por la vida pensando que tu idea de la vida es mejor que la de otro. Hay millones, billones de personas en este mismo planeta flotante en el que habitamos ¿y vas a creer que tu forma de ver la vida es mejor que la de otro? Podrás sentir más o menos afinidad hacia ello, pero nunca juzgarlo. Yo vivo plenamente feliz en el campo, sola, sin vecinos, rodeada de vacas, cabras, ovejas y gallinas. Montar en bicicleta sin los auriculares puestos mientras escucho el viento de mi bicicleta rompiendo el aire es lo que más me apasiona. Contar cuántos ciervos veo desde la ventanilla del copiloto del coche para mí es como ver a Papá Noel dejando los regalos debajo del árbol en la nochebuena, ¿pero eso significa que otra persona que ama con locura el ajetreo de la ciudad sería feliz viviendo bajo mis normas? Estoy segura de que no. Pero por eso existen tantas posibilidades y realidades como personas, y cada persona está viviendo su propia realidad e interpretando el mundo con unos criterios distintos. Y ahí, exactamente ahí, es donde está la magia. La magia está en que cada ser humano viva la vida con una subjetividad astronómica regida por una crianza, unos pensamientos, unas creencias y una pasión totalmente distinta porque cuando nos sentemos cinco personas aleatorias a una mesa a tomar un café, nos podremos quedar horas y horas hablando de las formas tan diversas y extraordinarias de ver el mundo. Y así, exactamente así, es como nos volveremos más humildes, más compasivos, más felices, más abiertos y más conectados como especie. Después de tumbarte el castillo de cristal, espero haberte podido ayudar a reconstruirlo con madera que es mucho más flexible ante las adversidades climatológicas.

I don’t know whether I’m a cactus or a bonsai.

There’s a photo that’s been all over the Internet lately stating that there are two types of friends: The cacti friends which represent resilience, independence and the ability to thrive without constant attention and the bonsai friends who need regular care, nurture and maintenance. I’m not sure which type of friend I am. I need both depending on what I’m going through. I’ve only learned this year that I’m a textbook introvert and social interactions drain my battery instead of recharging them. I’ve lived all my life being told how extroverted I am and I always believed that I was born to be around people, but my current reality is different. Maybe I used to thrive off of spending time with others but now I’ve healed a lot of my past fears, I think that I was just scared of being alone and having to listen to my own thoughts. There was some dark scary stuff in there locked away. Nowadays I listen to myself every day, I enjoy the person who I am now and the voice inside my head doesn’t hate me so I’m cool with hanging out with her.

When my family stays with us at home for a long time, I always forget to let myself spend time alone to recharge my batteries and retreat to my calm place. I spend every waking hour with them and I make myself sick from not allowing myself to follow my own pace. I want to please everyone and be there for them in case they need me so without much thought, I jump onto everyone else’s bandwagon and I forget that I truly needed some silence and some time alone to avoid burning out.

While my family were here this month for the Christmas holidays, which we celebrated early, I gave myself tonsillitis. I came down with the biggest fever I’ve ever had and spent the whole evening in bed reading and sleeping. My body’s way of making me rest has always been to make me so sick I can’t leave my bed and force me to rest. Well, it did it again. If I had tonsillitis, I had a hall pass stating that I was allowed to not be around other people. I was ill so my “antisocial” behaviour was justified, “I’m not a horrible person.” After sleeping for twelve hours and not engaging in any form of conversation, I quickly began to feel better. It felt so good to be alone and to just sit in silence staring out of the bedroom window while hugging my favourite olive green cushion. That’s all I needed.

I’m yet to learn how to find a balance between spending time with people and not burning out because I usually end up sending myself into a bad place. It takes me a long time to recover and regain the desire to chat on WhatsApp or want to speak to anyone on the phone. I’d describe the feeling as not being able to take in any more information or any more words. Captions on Instagram are too much for me to handle, my brain can’t take any more of the hacks I see in reels, I can’t read people’s newsletters, holding space for others and replying to their texts is too much and it all feels overwhelming. All because I didn’t set my own boundary and remember not to cross it because when I do tread all over it, it gets ugly. I learnt as a teen that alcohol when going out was a no-no and never crossed the line again for my own sake, now it’s time to do the same thing respecting the introverted Emily that lives inside of me. I have to remember to take care of myself, that’s a hard part of adulting, but I’m getting there. I’m learning how to say “me first” and “no” — I’ll let you know how that goes.

STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓

1. stefania.
   ha compartido este post que me ha hecho sentir un tsunami de agradecimiento y orgullo al ver mi nombre junto a tantas otras personas que admiro. Por favor, pasaros a verlo porque hay publicaciones realmente valiosas que merecen ser descubiertas ahí. Y si no conocíais ya la newsletter de Stefania, os invito a pasar por su perfil. Esto es por lo que siempre seré agradecida de haber creado esta newsletter, por la conexión tan intensa que he hecho con totales desconocidos que a día de hoy son piezas fundamentales de mi puzzle.

2. We all know the hype around Cicaplast balm but I can how say that the hype is deserved. This week I learnt that I wasn’t getting wrinkles because I’m closer to 30 years old than 20, but because my skin was extremely dry and this cream has changed my face. I also am a big fan of a gua sha.

3. I have a lot to learn but I really appreciate what

   Girl Moss
   is writing and sharing through her newsletter about fashion, diversity, feminism and politics. Read her latest post here.

4. Some things happen for a reason and I’m a firm believer that the Universe guides us and gives us signs if we’re open to seeing them and trusting in them. Finding

   Julia Martens
   was that type of event and you might enjoy her writing as much as I do. Here she writes about a spiritual event that happened to her.

5. I read this essay this week and was left boquiabierta with

   Alejandra Smits
   writing. One day I will be able to speak with such power and directness while being loving. One day I will hold a boundary as important as she did and hopefully, one day, I’ll no longer be scared of dando verdades como puños como hace ella en su texto.