74. I had a panic attack.
I couldn't keep it all bottled up anymore and it had to come out, so it did.
As I’ve mentioned before, my boyfriend and I have been going snowboarding every Wednesday for the past month. What I hadn’t mentioned up until now is that I’m terrified of snow on slopes and me sliding down those mountains with some kind of something attached to my feet covered in wax to make me glide more easily.
(Breathe)
I’m very scared of skiing. I had a rather bad knee injury the first time I ever went, I won’t get into details but it was nasty. It lasted a long time and it knocked my confidence immensely. Ever since that day I’ve had a lot of anxiety around the sport, I gave it a few more opportunities in Granada and in Dubai and it always ended in tears, literally. When we moved to this village in the mountains and the snow started to show its face, we decided to give it another go and my one condition was that I’d try snowboarding this time instead. I thought that this way, my fear of sliding down slopes of slippy snow would be more controlable seeing as it was a sport I’d never tried before. It reminded me of skateboarding and I think snowboarders look cooler than skiers. I started watching a few Youtube videos to see more or less how it worked and I felt excited about giving it a try.
The first time we went, the day consisted of repeating one green run over and over again. When I mean repeating what I really mean is: sliding on my bum, catching edges and face planting the snow, falling backwards and feeling like I was forming bruise after bruise on my bum, standing up for 2 seconds and then falling again, reaching the bottom and going back up to the top. I spent 80% if the time falling down, I felt frustrated but my desire to actually board down the run was bigger than my frustration so I kept on going. In the end I had it, I was able to turn (kind of), stop (very important) and most importantly, I felt confident.
The trouble started on the second day.
When I had to start perfecting and learning techniques to actually snowboard and not seem like I was sliding down a slide at a kid’s park, I began to feel fear. I was scared of absolutely everything. I was scared of getting on and off the chair lift, I was scared of people seeing me fall or look stupid, I was scared of the wind at the top of the mountain and the ice throwing me off balance, I was scared of other people on the slopes passing by, I was scared of someone stealing my board as I was sat drinking a coffee at the café, I was scared of my boyfriend dying while he was on his own, I was scared of a stranger engaging in conversation, I was scared of falling off of the side of the mountain, I was scared of my own expectations of myself… I was scared of a lot of things, but I covered them all up with excuses to try to convince myself that there was no problem, and that I was just uncomfortable or not having a good day. This made things worse because my true fears were still there and all I’d given myself was a shitty excuse that made no sense.
Fast forward to day four, after 1 good day and 2 bad days with stress, fear and conflict; the milk boiled over. There was no way for me to keep making excuses and to carry on with the narrative I was telling myself and everyone else. Some of the excuses had already been fixed, for instance: I had been wearing my vision glasses (I’m short sighted) and snow kept getting in my eyes and I’d said that it was uncomfortable and that it was stressing me out, so I bought some contact lenses and some ski goggles. My problem, or my excuse, had been fixed but it was still an issue. Now the goggles were uncomfortable and I had less peripheral vision. This was causing more stress for me and also for my boyfriend to whom I was complaining all the time. This day was really terrible, my anxiety was through the roof, I was in a such a state of panic and fear, I was unable to think clearly let alone snowboard down a hill which required a certain amount of concentration. I was a nervous wreck, I went into freeze mode and my body had been in fight or flight since the night before. In the end, after a few hours of crying at the top of the slope and in the bathroom while trying to process my thoughts and feelings in my notes app, I decided to head down to the café and stop. I didn’t snowboard more that day and my boyfriend didn’t know how to handle it either so we ended up going home in a pretty tense state.
That night, I had a panic attack. I don’t know if I can class it as the “worst panic attack” I’ve ever had, but it was bad. I hadn’t had one for a few years and it hit me hard. I felt extremely triggered in our conversation and this ten metre wave of anxiety knocked me over in less than a second. I couldn’t breathe, my heart was pounding inside my chest, I had cold shivers, I was shaking uncontrolably, I was hyperventilating, I was howling whilst tears were drowning my face. I felt like I was dying and I was fighting it with everything I had. I was trying to cut it off and I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to disappear and for me to be able to “act normal”. All I was getting back was this very deep, dark sadness that I couldn’t even begin to control. I sat on the bathroom floor alone, shivering and crying wishing that it would stop. It felt so dark and so deep.
After what seemed like an eternity, maybe 30-45 minutes, of this panic attack I remembered what my therapist had told me a few sessions before about “co-regulation” so I built up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I was having a panic attack and that I couldn’t stop. I needed help. This is when I opened the floodgates and I let myself feel these deep, dark feelings that were trying to come up to the surface. I realised that I didn’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed by the state I was in and was then able to let go. I let go of the need to control and I just sat with myself whilst my boyfriend reminded me to breathe and that I wasn’t alone.
I let go of some very dark stuff that night, I very literally cried it out. I was having vivid flashbacks of my childhood and teenage years, I was being reminded by myself of events that were traumatic and horrible. They had to go. I let them go. I sat with them, I cried them out and I felt them all over again. As I cried and let myself be the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with someone, it all slowly started to pass. I was able to fill my lungs with air again, I was able to feel like my 25 year old self instead of my inner-child, I was able to come back into myself.
That experience, now looking back, felt like I’d gone somewhere else and all of the pain took a hold of me and made me feel it one last time. It was as if I had to feel what it was like to sit with my deepest fears, my scariest memories and the most uncomfortable feelings to realise that none of that will hurt me anymore. That was the lesson I needed to learn. All of this is curious because what I’ve been working on with my therapist is exactly that: letting myself feel anger and feel sadness without thinking that I’m a bad person. I maybe would have chosen something a bit lighter if you’d have given me the choice beforehand, but it did the job alright.
Up until that day I’d never said aloud or even to myself that “I have anxiety” and I don’t even know why. I would have told you that I get stressed and worry, but not that I have anxiety and that I have lived with it for all of my life. After that event, I feel like it’s not scary to say it anymore because I no longer fear it. I used to be scared of it happening but now I’ve learned that it’s a fear of a fear.
After deep reflection I’m still not entirely sure why I felt the need to share this event with you. Maybe to help myself process it, maybe to know it was real like when Rosalía said:
“Ay, dame esa, esa pulsera de flores - Oh, give me that, that flower bracelet
Me la pondré en la muñeca - I'll put it on my wrist
Cuando despierte, así yo lo sabré - When I wake up, so I'll know
Así yo lo sabré, yo sabré que fue real.” - So I'll know, I'll know it was real.
Maybe to feel like it’s not taboo or that I’m not broken. Maybe if I share this event with the world it will resonate with someone and help them on their journey too. I like the idea of being a vulnerable human that is open about the fantastic and the harder times with other human beings. We’re all scared of something to more or less degree, we all have break downs and build ups, we all fall and get hurt; but that’s how we grow.
The scariest and darkest event so far of 2023 is what has also made me the happiest so far too. If we allow ourselves to float through the pain and just sit with it without forcing it in any direction, we learn to swim and the fear eventually dissipates. The darkness cannot last forever, and I know that it feels like it can sometimes, but it can’t. Winter will always come to an end, the snow will always melt and the sun will always bring the flowers back to life. We’re the same. The dark patches may feel like a part of you is dying or the worst day, week, month or even years of your life, but the light will always come back around.
STUFF I’VE LOVED THIS WEEK ❤️🩹
This essay by
This list by
This idea by
This song by ROLE MODEL (Youtube)
This Vlog by Sofía Ostoic (Youtube)
This Hydro Flask dupe for 25 eur (Amazon)
This podcast episode by Mesa de Mezclas (Spotify)
*Essay 74. cover photo by Yung Pueblo.
If you liked this post or if you like my writing, feel free to share it with someone else: you might make them smile and you’ll be helping me too.
See you next Monday at 7:34 a.m.
Tia, no podía dejar de leer, feel you. Me parece tan puro como describes cada emoción y tu camino.
Y me muero con que hayas puesto mi video!!! lots of love, Sofía.
Siento mucho que hayas pasado por esa experiencia, pero me alegro de que hayas podido manejarla y ese aprendizaje te haya dado fuerza. Un abrazo de otra persona que lleva muchos años encontrando maneras de lidiar con la ansiedad <3