93. I started my day off crying.

About the fear of my partner dying and death being a motivation to live life to the fullest.

This morning started with me crying before even getting out of bed. I looked at my boyfriend lying next to me and said to him that I’d be really sad if he died. To this, he replied “but I am going to die”.  I didn’t expect this to be his answer but he’s right.

I know that one day he’ll have to die and so will I, but I hope it’s when we’re old and we’ve lived a long life together. Dying at an older age seems more tolerable and more natural but the reality is that it could happen at any moment. 

I had a big long cry, my tears forming puddles on our white sheets as he hugged me saying that we’re lucky to have found each other. It wasn’t a sad moment at all, it was just a way for me to express so many feelings that I won’t ever be able to understand or put into words until he has in fact, died. 

When I cry I tend to get very soppy and I sometimes have “awakening moments” that help me to see life from a different perspective. This morning's mental shift was me saying that when we visit Paris next week we should hug and dance in front of the Eiffel Tower watching it sparkle in the dark, and that we should walk along the river where Remi is let loose in the film, Ratatouille. He smiled at this. Now, after having cried and had breakfast, why would we not do those things anyway? Why wouldn’t I do all of those romantic things as if no one were looking? I tend to tell myself that I’ll do that “someday” but then when the day actually comes, I get scared of doing it and just let the idea go. But after this new thought, why wouldn’t I do it if I’m going to die anyway? What’s the worst that could happen?

My mind writing this is focussing on the loss of a partner, but of course it can be applied to anything. There’s little point in not wanting to chase your dreams if you realise that the worst that can happen will happen anyway: that you will one day die. Why not move to the country you’d love to live in for a few months if you already know that you’re not going to have the chance forever? 

I think that we all tend to live our lives on autopilot and we base our perceptions using different rubrics, and that’s fine. But we all just keep on living and doing, until the clock strikes twelve and it’s too late to return to the castle. We’ll never know when our time’s up and we all just suppose that it will be when we’re old and decrepit, but it might not be.

Another reason I may have the idea of death present right now is because last week I got a call I wasn’t expecting. A member of my family needed emergency surgery and I was going about my day as always when one phone call changed my entire reality within seconds. Would they be okay? How serious is it? What are the risks? Do I need to drop everything and fly over? … Are they going to die? 

Life happens and never stops happening, as I always say, but we never think that death can be around the corner. The more we ignore it and forget about it, the further away it seems. Death can be seen as something dark, scary and finite, or it can be seen as the beginning to a new stage of life, which is what I prefer to believe. But does that make it any less scary? One thing that is for sure is that death will reach every single one of us at some point, so every day we’re blessed with another day here is a possibility to be a little bit more present and grateful. To dance in the kitchen with your partner as the kettle boils, to follow your dream job no matter how scary it may feel, to enjoy every coffee you get to drink, to tell your friends how much you love them with a quick message every so often. Because we’re all going to die and life really is just a game that we get to play every day. 

As my mother in law says: There’s a solution to all of life’s problems apart from death.

P.S. If you listened to or enjoyed the voice over, please let me know in the comments so that I can do it more often for you.