91. Using procrastination as a shield.

Heal it with self-compassion.

Procrastination: noun; The action of delaying or postponing something.

I’ve been handing in my work minutes before the deadline. I’ve always told myself that I work best under stress and I’d never stopped to think about why until now. 

Why do I never start the writing course’s exercises the day I’m given them? Why do I never write essays at the beginning of the week? Why did I always used to leave my university coursework until the last day? These questions have led me to reflect on the idea of “procrastination”.

I’ve never considered myself to be a procrastinator. Every Monday I write down whatever I need to do in my planner and throughout the week I slowly begin to tick tasks off my list. I don’t force myself to get them all done on Monday, I allow myself to find the right moment each day. But of course, there are always some tasks that don’t get done at all and pass onto the following week as pending. This has been the case with my writing course exercises or my newsletter.

I fear the blank page, I fear my ideas not coming to life as I’d imagined them in my head, I fear my essay not being liked by other people, I fear a lot of things when sitting down to write POMELO and now, as well, the writing course tasks. The blank page staring back at me is imposing and it easily makes my mind go blank. But once I start to write it begins to fade. I know that the first, second and even third document might not be the one I’m totally pleased with, but I also know that if I don’t start a draft, nothing exists. 

This week I handed in an exercise focused on an obsessive character. We had to show what their obsession was and force them to confront it. The deadline was 13:00 and I submitted it at 12:58 after writing it in the car on a long drive. This most definitely wasn’t the best way to write the story I’d been thinking about all week and it wasn’t my best work either—or at least that’s what I told myself. 

By telling myself that it wasn’t my best work, I shield myself from my teacher and classmate’s feedback because I left it until the last minute and already know that it’s not great before anyone else tells me so. Have I been leaving things until the last moment to give myself this leeway?

“Procrastination is a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.” —The NY Times.

Dr. Tim Pychyl, professor of psychology and member of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University in Ottawa, says that procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem. Staring at the blank page not knowing where to start probably makes me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, like I’m not clever enough or that I’m not going to write anything decent anyway. It’s easier to postpone this thought process than to actually work on it. Until now, I hadn’t even realised that I was doing it so I guess that’s a start.

Looking back on the years I was a student at university I see it once again: Emily staying up until late at night to get essays finished just in time to submit them. Emily sat down condensing her whole brain into a few hours of hard work to get the task finished. Emily leaving everything until the last minute and still getting good grades. These grades were probably what led me to carry on functioning in this way, after all, “I work better under stress.” The thing is, nowadays I have very little stress in my life and I have a lot of free time, so it’s probably time to change this outdated thought pattern. Not only do I suffer all week constantly noodling over an idea, but I also suffer when the job is done because deep down, I know that I didn’t do my best. It’s a lose-lose situation.

The first step is accepting that I do in fact procrastinate, the second step is listening to the emotions that come up when having to write, the third step is accompanying those feelings and trying to transform them into helpful inner voices to finish my work as I’d like to.

Self-compassion doesn’t require anything external — just a commitment to meeting your challenges with greater acceptance and kindness rather than rumination and regret.—The NY Times.

External validation or motivation isn’t going to fix the root cause of my procrastination. I need to sit down with myself and be the one who’s compassionate and forgiving. Procrastination was probably a mechanism that worked in the past and got stuck in my way of functioning. But now it’s time to thank that part of me for trying to help by convincing me to put off tasks, and allow the newer part of myself to take the lead and through self-love and self-compassion, begin to stop fearing the blank page and create work I’m proud of.