89. All I feel right now is gratitude.
Thank God that really shitty thing happened last month.
As I walk around the grass in the garden, all I can think about is how lucky I am and how I feel gratitude in every bone of my body. It all feels like a perfect dream that one day I’m going to wake up from. I’ll be taken back to a place in which there are no birds singing, no green grass to walk barefoot on, no trees swaying outside of my bedroom window, no solid wooden table in the kitchen to write at.
Numerous times a day I stop and mentally pinch myself. I force myself to look around and to switch on my senses. I focus on my hearing and I spend a few seconds listening to the different types of birds that are chirping; I inhale deeply and smell the cows that live next door and the greenery around me; I blink and then slowly move my eyes from one side to the other observing everything in my line of sight; I then focus on my feet and feel the ground I’m standing on. This always leaves me feeling like I’m floating on a cloud and I fear that one day I’m going to fall through.
I know that there will be a day in the future in which I’ll no longer be in this same place. The same thing has happened everywhere else I’ve lived, I always move on to the next place for one reason or another and I know that this time will be no different. The tide will take me somewhere else and it will be different from where I am now. This is why I want to fully take in what floating on this cloud feels like. I want to experience every day to the fullest and irradiate my gratitude back into the world in return. Sometimes good things happen to us and we don’t know where they came from or how they came to be, but they fell onto our lap. Many people don’t pay attention to what’s fallen in front of them but I think that it’s important to always stop for a second and realise how that good thing is causing a positive impact and that you’re grateful for it.
I’ve said it in previous essays but I’ll say it again, when something “bad-terrible-unfair-upsetting” happens, it usually happens for a reason. You won’t know what that reason is in the moment and you’ll have to navigate those feelings and hold onto them with love. If something feels unfair and upsetting, it may be because it is. Once you allow yourself to hold that feeling, take it in, feel it and process it; you’ll be able to transform it into something lighter and more pleasant, but again: it will always lead you to something new when you’re ready.
A few months ago something unpleasant happened in my life, I sat with it, I felt it, I processed it, and when the time was right, I was brought to this new opportunity. Would I go back, given the choice, to my previous life and renounce this opportunity I’m living now? No. Did I need to trust in the process and let life bring me here? Yes. Was it easy? Easier than would have been years before.
Life never stops happening, not for anyone. Nobody has that luxury, life happens to every single one of us. Sometimes the waves will be small and the sea will be seen as a relaxing, purifying body of water and other times, the sea’s waves will be three meters high and feel like they’re going to drown you; but you’ll always come up afloat and the waves will always calm down again.
Right now, after six months of a bravo sea, I’m floating in calm waters and I’m feeling grateful. I’m grateful to have gone through the dense energy and held on because the light at the end of the tunnel has turned out to be more impressive than I ever could have imagined. If you take a second to look back on your life and go back to the “bad” things that happened to you, you’ll most probably find that something good came out of it in the end. Ying and Yang, black and white, up and down… We need both of them, the secret is knowing how to move through it all.
My last few essays have been on the lower vibrational side because that’s what I was going through, but let me be an example when I say that the sun will break through the clouds eventually. We just have to wait it out but we never have to wait it out alone.
