88. Let's allow the slumps

Feeling down, overwhelmed, tired and lost.

Let’s allow the slumps.

If you’re an avid reader you probably know what a reading slump is, you’ve probably experienced one or at least heard of it. Well, I’m currently experiencing a real life slump.

I feel tired, I can’t concentrate enough to read, I can’t watch YouTube videos and enjoy them, I can’t write fluid POMELOs, I can’t write more than two pages in my journal, I can’t follow conversations through WhatsApp without feeling overwhelmed… My brain feels like it’s got parts switched off and I can’t figure out how to get them working again.

My life has done a 180 recently, in reality it’s been exactly 22 days, and I haven’t recovered. I’m not forcing myself to bounce back and I’m not putting pressure on myself either, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not affecting me or feeling uncomfortable at times. Therapy has helped me to learn how to allow all feelings without judging them, to feel the anxiety inside of me and hold it, to learn that ups and downs are totally normal and I can now say that I’m handling this difficult situation really well.

On the 12th of May C and I had to leave the house we were living in which also meant that we had to stop living in the country side where my soul is at peace. We had planned for this event to happen but no matter how much you plan, when the day finally arrives it always hits differently. It becomes a reality and the reality of it all happening brings with it a lot of feelings. It was as if a big strong current of water ran through our lives and we had to get our stuff floating, the boat rowing and get out of there in time. C and I spent our last two days in the house sitting with our feelings, crying, smiling, remembering the massive changes we we’ve gone through there, speaking about our happy memories and what we’d learnt. We hugged and cried together while the sun was setting and then, we knew our chapter had come to a close.

C and I have opened and closed many chapters in our lives together and each one of them has been beautiful and exciting as well as a bit scary, but we’ve always managed it, together. This time would be no different, we would do it and we did. No matter how much we think we’ve got it figured out life always happens and sometimes flips you upside down and forces you to reassess. It’s beautiful to be able to feel fear, sadness, happiness, stress, exhaustion, anger, frustration, gratitude and joy all in 22 days. It’s difficult if you don’t flow but it’s also beautiful to move in and out of these energies freely and as a result, grow.

Intense frustration, anger and hopelessness brought a big breakthrough that changed our mentality completely. Gratitude, joy and hope brought a brand new and exciting opportunity our way. You can’t have one without the other.

It feels like I stopped living in the village months ago and that it’s “old news” but the reality is that it was only 22 days ago, about 3 weeks ago. It’s not a lot of time when you look at it like that.

The carpet has been ripped from underneath me and I’m still adjusting to living in this limbo of not here or there yet, but I’m allowing myself to float in the void and not expect too much of myself. I’m the only person who is pressuring me into “writing a really good POMELO this week”, “reading the whole two books I’ve not finished”, “finish building my website” while packing for our next move, organizing my feelings in a space that’s not entirely mine while leaving a place with a good friend and family behind. None of those things are easy and if someone I knew were to share these feelings with me, my only answer would be that I understand how difficult this must be and to please give yourself the space to take care of yourself before anything else. But the idea of producing and creating is a dark shadow that follows us everywhere.

I’m not proud of the last few POMELOs I’ve written, I know that I could do much better and I know that my words feel like their clickety-clacking on train tracks instead of flowing softly in my mind, but I’m trying and I’m showing up for myself. I’ll find my flow again when things are more stable and I’m in a better place. I guess that me writing this and sharing my vulnerability with you is just as intimate as anything else, maybe even more.

I’m excited for what lies ahead and I hope to soon speak about it all once it’s all happened, but the only way out is through and I’m currently going through a lot. I can hold it and handle it, but my brain capacity isn’t available for much more right now and I have to keep that as my priority or else I’ll spiral.

This is a reminder to myself and to you that we can do it, that we will do it and that there are no “good” or “bad” feelings. Every feeling teaches us something different and if we listen to them and hold them with our hearts, we can get through anything in life.

Life is full of ups and downs but both are magical, enjoyable and necessary. Nothing is permanent (not even my real life slump) and the energy will change again soon, that’s the magic of life so let’s allow ourselves to feel whatever we’re feeling now and next week who knows what will be…

Love from Emily, a human who’s learning how to be gentle with herself, love herself and grow.