83. Toxic relationships as teenagers.

Why do we put ourselves through so much hell? Do we know how to love? Do we love ourselves?

I work with a lot of teenagers so I get quite a deep insight into some of their lives. I guess because I’m old (to them) but not full on married-has-kids type of old, a lot of them open up to me and ask for advice or ask me about “what it was like when I was young”. The main topic discussed is dating. I’ve gone through some of my student’s dating phases from the very beginning all the way through to the terrible heartbreaks.

It used to shock me how intense it all was for them. This was a matter of life or death. From the outside looking in with a more adult mind, it’s cute and laughable, but in reality, I understand the intensity running through their veins. I understand that for a sixteen year old girl falling in love with a guy in your class is like walking into an earthquake every day when she lays eyes on him sitting at his desk. I understand how them breaking up can feel like her heart has been ripped out of her chest by his bare hands. I understand that love makes life better and that staying up in bed, in a pitch black bedroom staring at a phone screen to chat into the late hours with someone feels like the most intimate experience you’ll ever have in life. I understand all of this thanks to these teenagers because my adult brain has forgotten about all of those magic feelings.

I once met a woman who was talking to me about having kids and she told me that in her language, which was Arabic, they had a saying which went something like “While you’re going through the river your feet will get wet but once you exit the river the water will dry off and you’ll have forgotten what it was like for them to ever be wet”. What she was trying to say was that when you’re a teenager you’re familiar with all of these feelings because at that moment you’re in the river, when you’re a young adult you’ll find it rather easy to remember those teenage feelings because it wasn’t so long ago since you were in the river, but as you get older and the longer you’re feet have been dry, you forget what it was ever like for them to be wet. This was the reason she told me that it was better to have kids young, because you’d be able to understand them better because those feelings would be more recent. This in some way makes sense because even though I don’t think about my past lovers often, these teenagers in my life allow me to relive those feelings through them. I remember those events clearly now and I’m a bit scared of them drying up forever and not being able to access them again.

This being said, although I find it cute and magical the way I see them live these teenage love affairs so intensely, I’m also becoming aware of how toxic a lot of it is. Looking back on my own past, I see that toxicity was also present then and I know well what it’s like to be on the receiving end of it all. I now ask myself, why do most of us end up in these types of relationships? Maybe as you’re reading this you have no idea what I’m talking about because you had an angelic partner, but if I look back to my high school years, all I can see around me are really hurt boys and girls tripping over the same stones. We had the people that would cheat without a care in the world, the people that would lead you on and then pretend like they’d never met you, the people who would end up dating and no longer meet with friends because their significant other would get angry otherwise, the girls that wanted to kill each other because they liked the same person, the guys that would play hard to get and pretend they had no heart because that was the way to be cool, the guys that wouldn’t allow their girlfriend to be friends with other boys, the girls that wouldn’t allow their boyfriend to be friends with other girls, the constant worry that they were “talking to other people” … The list could go on forever, but why? Why do we all learn to love in such a shitty way? Why do we all end up allowing these things to happen? Why is this the norm for teenage love?

For many years of my life, I thought that I’d gotten really unlucky in the love department and that’s why I attracted such “interesting” characters, but now I see that it’s pretty common for a lot of us — both men and women — to have had horrific teenage relationships. I see it today too through my students, I see girls full of jealousy and hatred, I see guys who won’t admit that they have feelings, I see behaviors on social media that are harmful, I see inner narratives that are destructive, I see girls hating on other girls because their considered possible threats, I see guys hating other guys because they “liked” their girlfriend’s Instagram photos… Why do we not know how to love freely? To know that when you love someone they’ll be by your side. That they can meet new people or have friends and still want to always come back to you. To understand that we live in a world with other human beings and that we can love other people but not want a romantic relationship or feel attracted to them. To feel happy that our partner has good friends and that they are also a part of their lives. When are us women going to be taught that we don’t need to compete amongst each other because we’re all important? When are we going to understand that women can empower other women and that we don’t need that bitchy attitude towards each other? When are men going to understand that they’re allowed to cry and have feelings? When are men going to understand that being “macho” isn’t even a thing? When are men going to understand that respecting a woman is way more attractive than being a dick? When are we going to realize that there’s a lot that we need to learn as teenagers?

There’s a lot of questions that I don’t have answers to right now. My step forward has been realizing that things haven’t changed since I was in high school and that I’m seeing the same stories repeat themselves nowadays. This has probably always been this way but I’m only noticing now because I’m on a different step of the ladder. It’s been healing for me to learn that I’m not alone in this train-wreck of teenage love, but it’s also saddening to see that so many of us went through such shitty times. I personally wasn’t taught how to love someone, how to know what a healthy relationship looked like or how to value myself and protect myself when needed, but at nineteen years old I did meet someone who would indirectly show me what being loved felt like, what being cared for was like and slowly but surely would result in me being able to love myself again.

Maybe the problem is that we don’t know how to love ourselves first before looking for love in other people. If we knew our self-worth and knew that we deserve more than a few crumbs we’d not fall for it in the beginning. If we understood that we’re all beautiful and unique in our own way, we’d stop telling ourselves we need to be cuter, thinner, stronger, taller, quieter, faster, cooler… If we were to all accept ourselves and love ourselves for who and what we are, we would understand that love isn’t a tempestuous ocean we insist on trying to swim in but a steady body of water that allows you to swim and float in, dive down into and return to the surface whenever you want and need to without the fear of drowning.

❤️‍🩹 COOL STUFF

This week I’d like to talk about the book club I organise.

Every month we read a book at our own pace and meet up at the end of the month via Google Meets for 1 hour to talk about what books, series or films we’ve been enjoying throughout the month and then talk about our opinions regarding the monthly book. We tend to read books that are available in Spanish and also in English so that it’s not limited to one language (although in the meeting we speak in Spanish).

The Book Club is a very special project for me because it was born with intention of becoming a safe space for fellow book lovers to share a common passion 📖 and to meet new people with similar interests and well, the result has by far exceeded any of my initial ideas resulting in a beautiful experience, with wonderful people, I hope to continue for as long as possible.

If this experience is something you’d like to take part in, you can look at the Book Club’s Instagram page to see the archive of book’s we’ve read and to also get in contact.

Thank you for being here and taking the time to read POMELO.

See you next week,
EMILY x