79. Dying in two days' time.

Getting on a plane to the UK, appreciating life and dying.

In two days’ time I’ll be sat on a plane heading to the UK, I haven’t flown since before the pandemic started. I never used to feel fear around flying because I’d done it regularly with my family from a young age. Now that I’ve “lost the habit” I’ve been feeling like I’m literally signing a contract with death. This hasn’t led me to feeling bad or stressed, I don’t even feel fear about the plane never landing. I’ve actually been doing everything I love before I go in case it’s the last time. You may be wondering: What things has Emily wanted to do before metaphorically dying?

I’ve washed my hair and worn my favourite jeans to go on a walk through the countryside with my boyfriend. I’ve drank very warm coffee sat in the sun on the terrace. I’ve had lunch and spent the afternoon with family. I’ve been reading some of my current favourite book. I gave doggo lots of hugs and forced him to give me a kiss on the cheek. I’ve been looking at flowers and trees for a little longer. I’ve been smiling and laughing more. I’ve been asking for more hugs and cuddles with C. I’ve been saying “I love you” and “I’ll miss you” more.

I’ve been appreciating the small things that I can’t buy or have absolutely anywhere I go. For example, when I (most probably) get to the UK alive and well, I won’t be able to look out of my window to see the green fields and listen to the birds singing. I won’t be able to hug C. and talk to him about what I’m thinking instantly. I won’t be able to see the tulips I’ve been checking on since Winter as they begin to now blossom. I won’t be able to feel the exact things that I feel at home. That doesn’t mean that the UK is worse than my home or that I’m not going to enjoy it. It means that there are so many things that happen on a daily basis that make me feel alive and happy that I sometimes take for granted precisely because they happen every day. This is where the idea of dying in two days’ time has been an eye opener along with how grateful I’ve felt to be able to (with a bit of fear) “die” happily knowing that I did those things that make me feel alive.

I don’t need to feel productive and say that I ticked twenty tasks off of a to-do list. I don’t need to jump out of a plane to feel excitement. I don’t need to run and tell my friends that I love them because I already do that every day. I don’t need to write a book to feel like I was a good enough writer. I don’t need a sudden shock of adrenaline or risk taking to go out with a bang, I need to look at nature and myself with an attentive eye and go in peace.

Us humans tend to forget that being a living being is so perfect and so miraculous that we’re all God. We forget that our body is doing so many complex and incredible things every single second of our conception. We forget that we’re living on a planet floating in Space. We forget that we feel so many different emotions and each of them is so important and necessary. We forget how amazing it is to be able to feel love and also express it in our own unique way. We forget how special life is and how valuable every day we spend here is.

Us humans tend to get trapped on the wrong side of the fence. We focus on producing things and never stopping. We think that being still and not producing means that we’re “unproductive” or “lazy”. We think that not having a job, house and partner right after college means that we’ve failed. We think that a diploma gives us more value. We think that emotions can be positive or negative and we avoid the denser ones as much as we can.

Us humans forget that life around us works in cycles, that no plant or tree grows every day. That animals hibernate when things get dark, cold and tough. That rest is more important than anything else. That producing is subjective and maybe even an illusion that we’ve never stopped to reflect on.

Us humans forget that being alive is the biggest reason to feel gratitude every day. That having people in your life that love you and support you is something you’ll never be able to buy with money. That success is nothing if you have no one left to share it with. That all four seasons have a function and all four are equally as important and special if we surrender ourselves to them. That things can be really hard and life can feel like a constant test but it doesn’t last forever.

Life’s worth is made up of the small details that we miss whilst focussing on the bigger picture that might never take place.

Let yourself live, let yourself enjoy the “simple” things that happen every day and let yourself exist without expectations.

Truth is, we’re all going to die. I might not be crossing over in two days’ time, but it will happen at some point and we don’t all need to climb Mount Everest and surf with sharks in Hawaii to be able to say we lived a fulfilling life.

❤️‍🩹 THINGS I’VE BEEN LOVING:

• Jaded by Miley Cyrus, Backyard Sessions (YouTube)

• In case you’re looking for a new vlogger on YouTube, I love her. (YouTube)

• New Olivia Dean song!! (Spotify)

• This book, I’m sold (Goodreads)

• This documentary - North of the Sun (Vimeo)