75. Why I've not written a book yet.
And why I'm happy about that decision. Don't worry if you've not achieved your long term goals yet, we have time.
My biggest dream in life is to write a book. If that opportunity were given to me right now, would I be ready? The answer is no.
I’ve attempted a few times to write a book and I’ve not yet been successful, this reality used to stress me out. I felt like a failure for not being able to just sit down and do it. I used to tell myself “I’ll never do it at this rate” and I’d end up in a negative mind space. After having thought about this topic a lot and also having worked on it, I’ve now reached a place where I think that it’s positive that I haven’t yet written a book.
The idea of writing a book to me is dreamy, it’s my biggest goal in life, it’s something I want to enjoy working on and really put my all into it. I’d like for it to be so good that someone would want to publish it and for me make at least a bit of a living from it. To one day be able to say “I’m a writer” and have money in the bank for it to feel like a “real job”. But that moment hasn’t arrived yet.
I can visualise myself, with a book in my hand (floppy-soft cover, always), smiling and having my photo taken. I can also imagine the emotions that I would probably be feeling: I’d feel proud, happy, relieved, over the moon, ecstatic… But I also imagine a part of myself feeling sad.
Sad because my biggest dream in life, the thing I’ve always wanted to work towards has already happened. It’s done. It’s accomplished. I could write another book, and another, and another too. But they’d never be my first book ever again. Every time I sat down I’d never be sitting down again to write my first book again. I’d have already done that experience. It would be different, it would probably be amazing if I had the possibility to write and publish a second or even a third book, but my life’s dream would already be complete. These next books would be add on’s. I actually have no idea how they’d make me feel because I’ve never thought about those ones that far ahead.
What I do know is that if I were given an offer to write and publish a book between 2023 and 2024, I wouldn’t be ready. Not only would I like for my writing to be better, I’d like to have more knowledge regarding characters, dialogue, scenes, setting… I’d like to learn and know more about my craft before starting to work on something that’s so sacred to me. Not only that, there are a lot of things that would have to change in my life to make room for this new, amazing, offer and I’m not sure I’m ready to accept that yet either.
The idea of me, standing with my book, crying and thinking “this is nuts, I did it” is a beautiful image and it really motivates me, but I wouldn’t want it to happen right now. I like the idea of it being a dream that I’m working my way towards, I like the idea of it being unattainable right now and wondering when the moment will come. I also know that I could die before having published anything or that “time flies” and I’m wasting it. But I don’t entirely agree. If I work my way backwards from the ideal goal up until my life right now as it is, and start analysing all of the things that I’d have to change to make it attainable, my body opposes itself to the idea. I’d probably have to stop focussing on POMELO (which I don’t want to do), the plans I have in mind for this newsletter in the near future could no longer be a priority, I’d have to stop working on the project my boyfriend and I have been working on since last summer, I probably wouldn’t be able to read as much fiction as I do now… A lot of things would have to change, my daily routine and mental patterns would too.
Nowadays everyone is in this “produce, work, do, achieve” mentality before you get to 30 or 35 and then have kids and kiss good bye to your life. Everyone around me is looking for a stable job, a long term contract and the sooner they can get it, the better. But I can’t force myself to fit into this box right now, I don’t think I’ve ever fit into the “normal system pace” of life, but now as an adult I have much more mental clarity and maturity to understand myself, and I accept now that not everyone has to follow the same exact path.
If I’m a writer or if I want to be a writer, society’s ideals tell me that I should write a book, and yes, I’d love to. But again, not right now. Just as any other job requires formation and at least a minimal understanding of what tools you need to carry out your tasks, writing is the same. Just because most people know the alphabet, can read full sentences and use letters to form words and texts, doesn’t mean that they can write. The same goes for me. I may be a natural at storytelling or converting ideas and feelings into words, but that doesn’t mean that I know how to construct the different characters physically and emotionally for my plots. That doesn’t mean that I know how to construct the perfect town where the story will take place and make the reader feel like they know the place and that they’re inside of it as they read. Writing a newsletter, for me, is one thing and writing a 250 page book is another. They may both be built with words but the knowledge needed for each one is different. This doesn’t mean that I couldn’t do it, if I set out to do it, I probably could. But that’s not what my bones are humming for right now, and that’s okay too.
One thing I’d like to state in this essay is that creative work is always seen as “just sit down and do it” because you don’t need an engineering diploma, you don’t need an MBA or you don’t need a master to allow you to work. You need yourself and you need to either find the path that will help you to obtain the knowledge you need, like an academic institution or a mentor, or be a self learner and open up your own path.
Creative or artistic work is no easier than mainstream jobs, no matter how society paints the picture. A writer doesn’t just sit at a desk in front of a big ass window with cute views and write a book non-stop for a year, it doesn’t work like that. A painter doesn’t wake up one morning from a dream and have the perfect idea to paint and do it with a steaming coffee next to them whilst birds are singing and they prance around their studio full of joy. Getting that book finished and getting that painting finished is just as hard as an engineer creating a bridge, don’t be fooled.
The second idea of this essay is that you can spent a great part of your life trying to finish your project, or you can spend a little part of your life trying to get your project finished. It’s not the same for everyone and that too is okay. As I mentioned before, if I already had a book published I don’t know what I’d focus my life on. I imagine that having accomplished my biggest dream would then lead me to new doors and I’d find new things I enjoy, but what if I don’t want to live like that? What if I enjoy wandering in book shops and admiring my favourite writers whilst thinking “when will my book be here?” — Reality check: I may never see my book in a book shop because maybe no one will want to publish it, but I’m not going to sell myself short yet.
There are many different ways of viewing this, everyone has their own dream and everyone deep down knows by when they’d like to achieve it. Most people I know stress about not having done it yet and that they’re wasting time and each day that passes is a day they haven’t written anything. But I don’t follow that approach anymore, I used to and I used to torment myself every day but that took me nowhere. Life’s course can change extremely quickly if you let it and what one day seemed like your path can come to an abrupt end without any foreplan and you can find yourself walking down a completely different one very easily. Just because at this moment in time your project’s not taking you anywhere doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever.
Forbes under 25, Forbes under 30, Forbes under 35, Forbes under 40 and Forbes under 50… Who cares? There’s always going to be room for us at no matter what age. You don’t have to categorise yourself or your life into anyone else’s box. If you’re daydreaming about your future company, you’re shaping that reality. If you’re drawing logos whilst waiting for the bus, you’re working on your project. If you’re reading a book and thinking about how you could incorporate certain elements into your future book, you’re working on it. If you’re watching a film and getting emotional because someone achieved their goal and you see yourself reflected, you’re believing in yourself. And all of these steps are fundamental to achieving your goal, not just “sitting your ass down and doing it”.
So enjoy the ride, enjoy the little steps and enjoy them all, because one day you’ll achieve your goal and it will all be a part of the past that you can’t get back. We idolise the finishing line and that’s the easiest part to cross.
Sabias palabras y opinión que comparto :)) 'Enjoy the ride' es el mejor consejo, da igual cuándo leas esto, para éste y cualquier otro tema <3
"But that’s not what my bones are humming for right now, and that’s okay too."
I love this line!
I became unexpectedly pregnant two years ago and now have an active 8 month old. Going through that experience was so humbling in helping me realize so many things happen FOR us, outside of our control. I had nothing to do with forming his organs or teaching him how to crawl--it happened because it was a natural unfolding. All I had to do was create a safe environment for it to unfold.
Keep writing, your book will come in the perfect timing. It's all downstream if you let it be!