56. What is love in a relationship?

I said "love" 40 times.

I’ve written and re-written this one a few times and no matter how much I edit it and try to make it work, something’s not right. This afternoon, one day before publishing day, I was having a shower without music and the following idea came to me: “maybe the problem is the word love”.

The idea I’d like to speak about is that love isn’t something that begins and ends at a specific point in time, it’s not something that happens instantly and it’s not something that can fade or disappear easily, but a relationship can. You can start a relationship the moment you both decide you’re together and you can end it when either of you decides it’s not working but you can’t do that so easily with love.

Love is an energy, a feeling, something that can’t be quantified easily but it can be represented through words and actions. We can love people, places, moments, books, music, animals… but what we are doing is directing that energy (love) towards something or someone.

“Love at first sight” is said to be a thing and apparently many people feel it, I think that I felt it too when I met my current partner. The moment we engaged in conversation I felt something that I’d never felt before, I felt many things at once, for instance: We shared our love for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and listened to album after album together, I was able to share my opinions without feeling invalidated, I felt comfortable around him, I felt relaxed enough to laugh at his jokes without hiding my teeth, I didn’t feel awkward when there was silence… But was that “love at first sight”? If you had asked me a few years ago, I probably would have said yes but now, I think that it wasn’t. I think that there was a loving connection towards him because of what I’ve just mentioned, but it wasn’t love.

Or was it?

If love is a feeling and I felt it embodied in feeling secure, at ease, happy, excited and in sync with someone, maybe love at first sight does exist. Maybe we are able to connect with someone when we first meet and really feel what there is between us in an instant, but does that mean that we love each other?

We may feel love for each other and we may also be the “perfect match” but no matter how strong that feeling is, if there’s no communication, no effort and no work; it won’t go very far.

How many people have loved someone and it’s not worked out? How many people have loved someone that’s not loved them back? How many people have loved someone that’s not loved them in the same way?
This makes me wonder, what is love?
Is love a feeling or an energy that a person is able to feel? Is love something that living beings are able to express? Is love a consequence of being surrounded by people that bring goodness into your life? What is love?
I think that love is an energy that we feel as a result of connection, but that’s something entirely different to a relationship and this is where the big misunderstandings happen.

I used to think that starting a relationship with someone meant that you loved them but if everyone loves, feels and experiences in different ways, how can we tackle the idea of mutual love? I’d say “through communication” and to be honest, it’s the only way I can think of. Misunderstandings happen when we don’t communicate our needs and feelings with others, we leave loose ends all over the place and we hope that the other person will pick up exactly on what we want and as you can imagine, disasters occur.

When we start a relationship with someone else, we most probably won’t be on the same page and each person will probably be feeling something very different to the other, but if we communicate we’re able to understand each other and find a common ground. You may feel a very small hint of that love energy we mentioned before and the other person in the relationship may feel a truck load and that’s not a bad thing (it’s pretty normal if you ask me). That tiny amount of love that one person is feeling might just be enough for them to know that with you, they feel like they’re on the right track and open to getting to know you better.

Love is important and it’s something we all feel when we interact with other people who we connect with, it’s like your body is signalling “Yeah! This feels good, follow it up!” but no matter how intensely you feel that energy, it’s only the spark that lights the fire. A relationship, or even a friendship, needs a constant adding of logs otherwise the fire will die out. The heat (love) will remain for a long time, but flames won’t magically spark again once it’s without wood.

Love is a beautiful and magical energy that we have the luxury of feeling with many different people throughout our lives (on a bigger or smaller scale) but without communication, work and effort it won’t go very far.

When I was younger I used to think that dating my boyfriend meant that we loved each other like crazy and that we both had to be feeling the same thing and when I learned that we didn’t, nothing made sense. People have different love languages and people experience life in different ways and that doesn’t make it better or worse, it makes it different. This is fantastic if you understand each other and you express your needs, but Disney Channel films don’t portray being in love this way, it’s usually all or nothing and real life isn’t a scale of black or whites; you can always find a place in the middle.

One thing is love and one thing is being in a relationship.

Relationships start because love signals that there’s something to explore with that person, but love alone isn’t enough to make it grow healthily and in the long-term.

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See you next Monday at 7:34 a.m.