43. Alone time
The more time I spend alone, the more I crave being alone.
The more time I spend alone, the more I crave being alone.
This last week I’ve spent more time alone than I usually do because my boyfriend’s been away for many hours in the garage fixing some bits and bobs on our car and it’s been quite magical.
When I was a teenager I used to listen to music 24/7 but as I’ve gotten older I’ve become much more selective about when I listen to music. I guess when I was younger it was a way of blocking the world and my own thoughts out and now I love spending time with both my inner voice and the world that surrounds me. Because of this, I spend most of my day when I’m alone in silence unlike my boyfriend who loves to play music every second of the day.
For me, there’s something beautiful about stillness and silence. I’m able to hear sounds from things around me and I have nothing to pull me out of the conversation I’m having with myself in my head. I submerge myself into a bubble where I can control everything and this relaxes me no end.
My boyfriend and I have been having breakfast together and spending a few hours together in the morning and then he’s been going to work on the car and I’ve been faced with this re-found love of being completely alone. As you know, I live in a tiny village in a valley so it’s not like I’m alone whilst surrounded by people, I’m really alone and, she whispers: —I love it.
I haven’t been doing anything extremely productive or ground breaking but I’ve been doing whatever I wanted to do whenever it suited me. Of course, I’m able to do this with my boyfriend around but you tend to end up doing things together or at least, in each other’s company so it’s different. And don’t get me wrong, I adore spending my time with my bf, it’s one of my favourite things to do and we’re best friends too which makes it even easier and more fun, but a little alone time to reflect on things and do things for yourself every once in a while is wholesome and also necessary.
Whilst alone I’ve been reading a lot (the Rachel Cusk trilogy), trying to figure out how the hell TikTok works (still not getting the hype), journaling with my green Muji pen, practicing my guitar chords and the song I’m learning to play (sounds terrible but I guess practice makes perfect, better), singing Rosalia’s MOTOMAMI album, watching Rosalías world tour concert live (she’s such an inspiration for me), cleaning, watching Youtube vlogs, cooking new recipes whilst listening to podcasts… all very wholesome activities for me.
Apart from enjoying this time alone, I’ve been reflecting about whether I’m an “alone person” or if I’ve ever been one and I think that the answer is yes, I am. As a kid and young-teen I would spend hours in my room alone, it was my bubble and again, the space which I had complete control over. Crossing my bedroom door was my parent’s territory and I had little say in what did or didn’t happen there, but in my room, I could decide when to read Looking for Alaska by John Green or when to listen to Bastille or The Script full blast through my headphones, when to chat to my friends online, when to watch cartoons, when to drink Fanta orange or when to nap… I’ve never really craved or needed human interaction, I’ve always enjoyed it, as I still do, but it’s extremely energy consuming for my introvert brain.
I love sharing things with other people and I spend a lot of my day to day thinking about my friends and family members, going over things they’ve told me, conversations we’ve had, the last time I dropped them a message… but I still much prefer being alone and the “bad” thing is that the more time I spend alone, the more I want to be alone.
It’s difficult for me to have spent all afternoon and evening alone at home in my little bubble to then just pop it and return to the real world with my boyfriend and have a normal conversation over dinner. It’s as if a big part of my brain turns itself off or goes into hibernation mode and I have to suddenly start up that software again and get into the normal groove of things there and then.
I’m lucky because my boyfriend also enjoys time alone and also spends a lot of time in his head so we’re able to disconnect and live in our own worlds as well as have days where we talk to each other non stop, it’s a perfect balance.
It’s normal to go through phases, there will be moments when you need and desire to be alone and there will be other moments where you crave human interaction and are a social butterfly. Both options are great as long as you’re giving yourself whatever it needs in each moment. Forcing staying at home when you really want to go out with your friends will make you as miserable as going out when all you want to do is stay at home and chill.
Nothing is permanent and life is made up of many cycles which are always changing. This week I’ve spent most of the time alone and this weekend I’ve spent all of Saturday and all of Sunday with family. Who knows what this week will bring… As long as I listen to my body, it will be the right choice for me in that moment.
LET’S TALK ⬇️
Pomelo is an open letter from me to you and it’s the most fun when I get to read your replies so please, if you have something so say, open a discussion in the comments section.
Or, consider answering some of the following questions:
Do you prefer to be alone or with other people? Why?
Are you an introvert depending on the day?
What do you usually do when you’re alone?
What’s your faaaaaaaaaaavourite social plan? (Mine is going for a coffee, looking in book shops and eating yummy food.)