195. I fell for the intellectualisation of Substack and hated it.

I got lost and felt like I was failing, but I think I'm finding my way back home.

This newsletter used to be a blog, a blog I’d send to people’s email inboxes. I’d talk about my thoughts, my life, my feelings. It felt like a way my friends and family could keep up with what I was doing or feeling. This newsletter grew and surpassed any number of subscribers I’d ever imagined possible and it got to me. I froze.

When I knew for a fact that nobody was reading my writing, I felt free and I felt like there were no consequences. I could fully do whatever I wanted to do and maybe one or two people would like my post or bring it up in conversation weeks later. That was all. Slowly but surely, this newsletter began to grow and my friends began to subscribe and family members began to pay attention. It still felt like a safe space, but in other words, I felt irrelevant in a good way. It was just Emily with a blog. Emily writing an online diary. Emily talking about her life. Emily sharing her daily thoughts in the form of writing and it just wasn’t that deep.

It took me over a year to reach one hundred subscribers and most people still didn’t even know what a newsletter was even though they were reading one every week.

Everything changed when Substack blew up, landed on the map, and ended up in everyone’s mouths. Everyone was reading interesting essays on Substack and it was the place to find intellectual writing written by cute, cool, girls living in cities romanticising their lives. It was the place to read the Didion style inspired essays, but I was just writing a blog.

I’ve been feeling animosity towards Substack for a long time now and I’ve never been able to put my finger on why. Something felt off and I didn’t really want to write anymore. The fire in my belly was gone and I kept going thanks to dedication and discipline rather than inspiration. I was angry at having over two thousand subscribers as if they were the issue. I wanted to go back to one hundred and for nobody to read me. I wanted Substack to not be cool anymore and for the trend to die off and only the people that really care about it stay around. I wanted something to break so that things would go back to the way they used to be. I wasn’t happy with this change. I was constantly getting notifications that so and so is now on Substack. Everyone was starting their own newsletter and I all of a sudden didn’t feel like I wanted to be here anymore.

Today, while I was swimming, I realised that Substack isn’t my issue and the number of subscribers I have isn’t either. It wasn’t the numbers that got to me. The real issue is that I fell for the idea that I had to be producing these super intellectual essays like everyone else on this platform was. I felt like everything I wrote had to be deep and meaningful, full of cited works and up to date with the culture around me and know what’s going on. I felt embarrassed about my writing. Who cares about me? Who cares about my feelings? Who cares about what I’ve been worrying about all week? Everyone on this social media platform wants deep essays about motherhood, feminism, marriage, capitalism, politics, womanhood all from a Didion and Ernaux point of view, and I’m sorry but I definitely am not up to that standard. At least not all of the time, every week.

I’ve realised today that my issue is that I lost myself. I stopped being completely honest. I stopped writing my blog about me to write about things I thought other people would be interested in, and all of my essays were lacking real depth.

I recently heard in a podcast that the word essay means “to try” and that’s all I’m doing every week. I’m showing up every Monday with something to say and most essays are me simply trying to understand my tangled-up feelings and untangle them on the go. That’s what writing has always been for me. It’s a blank page that starts with a title or a sentence that slowly makes sense as I allow myself to pour out over the keyboard. I never know what will come out, I never have a structure, I never have a road map that will guide me to the finish line. I have a premise which I know needs to be dug into, and that’s exactly what I do. That’s what I’m doing right now and that’s what this newsletter has always been.

I myself am fed up of everything being about deep intellectual topics. I want to read blogs about things people are passionate about, geeking over or just thinking about. The funny thing is, I’ve read other people say these exact same words but they never clicked with me until now. It wasn’t my moment to understand that that’s why I’ve been so jaded and have been pulling away from what I used to love the most: my newsletter. That’s why it’s felt so hard. Because I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t letting my true voice flow through me, I was trying to create something that would impress other people and of course, it never felt right. I continued to write about things I cared about or things I was thinking about, but I was trying to hide all of the vulnerability that has always been so me.

The people that have told me they love this newsletter enjoy it because they love reading my voice. They love reading about my thoughts and feelings and my way of seeing the world. They like reading about my little life in the middle of the countryside and my random little thoughts. I am just as irrelevant as I was three years ago, but I let this intellectual girl trend wash me away. I wanted to be cool, like I think everyone else is, but I was literally forgetting about the things that make me cool.

I feel like I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that words are flowing through me easily. It’s not that deep and we don’t need ultra deep stuff all the time. Life is already so deep, and sometimes: so hard. We need lighthearted, honest, vulnerable and fun essays too. Something to take the edge off. Something to resonate with. Something to feel nice and human. I’m here to be completely irrelevant and write about my tiny silly human experience in the hopes that someone will read it and feel the same way. We’re all going through the same things in life on a day to day basis and it’s just not that deep. I love going down an intellectual rabbit hole dive, but a lot of the time, my inner world is already enough for me to need to fill it up with even more deep thoughts that aren’t coming to me naturally. Sometimes I just want to read about someone’s random walk in the park or how they miss their best friend or how much they love going swimming on a Wednesday. That’s what I want to read and that’s what I’ve always written about. I’m ready to show up as myself again. I was lost but I feel like I’m finding my way home.

Self-promo section_

My boyfriend and I have a small business called Dimanche Objects and we’re currently selling merch which we will be screen printing, packing and shipping ourselves. Dimanche Objects is our second hand objects store, but it’s also so much more than that. It’s a small project run by two people that are passionate about well-made, useful and beautiful things that deserve a new home and a new life. There are so many amazing things that already exist and are made of such good quality. We sell objects that we carefully select ourselves, but we’re also creating a world that we want people to feel a part of.

On our website you can see the clothes we’ve designed which are all made to order. We don’t have any stock and we will only make what is ordered. This is the second time we’ve done this and it’s -stressful- but so fun and so fulfilling. We’ve chosen to use great quality pieces we’ve already worked with in the past and know are made to last, cosy and look good (very important).

If you’re interested, we would very much appreciate your support and we would love to see you wearing Dimanche Objects clothes. Tell your friend, tell your auntie, tell your cousin, tell your dad. Thank you for your attention :)

*Even if you’re not interested, please check out our website because it’s pretty cool. We made that ourselves too!

https://dimancheobjects.com/

**We ship from Spain and shipping is free for Spanish orders. Shipping to any other European country is 9 euros and shipping to UK, USA, Mexico and Australia is 15 euros.

***If you spend 50 euros, you will get a free magnet as a special gift until we’re out of stock. We only had twenty made.

Follow us on Instagram 🫂 We put three new objects on sale every Sunday and we let you know via IG stories.

> I don’t usually self-promo via my newsletter, but when you have a small business you have to speak non-stop about it because if you don’t, nobody else will.