164. I put my trust in magic instead of in fear.
Dear reader,
I want to tell you about a very special little girl called M that I call my sunshine. I want to tell you about the tulip bulbs that are buried in the garden waiting to bloom in spring. I want to tell you about how much I love my new red puffer jacket that’s going to be my autumn and winter companion. I want to tell you that I’ve learned how to chop firewood with an axe properly, after cutting my thumb open and needing butterfly stitches more than once. I want to tell you about how I cut my own hair last week and feel much lighter. I want to tell you about how I’ve been loving going on long walks wrapped up in layers to keep me warm. I want to tell you that I made my best arroz a la cubana to date last night. I want to tell you that I watched Notting Hill for the first time and absolutely loved it. I want to tell you that I found the coziest and toastiest wool jumper thrifting this week. I want to tell you that I’m in a bit of a reading slump but am enjoying the books I’m reading (very slowly). I want to tell you that I made ginger juice concentrate with the juicer and feared for my life as it sounded like it was going to explode. I want to tell you that I’m excited for Christmas. I want to tell you that I miss my friends and have been imagining all of us living in the same city and seeing each other more than once a year. I want to tell you how important it is you buy yourself a hot water bottle to sleep like a warm baby during the upcoming cold months. I want to tell you how much I enjoy using my Loop earplugs in noisy busy places. I want to tell you how strange and relaxing it felt to have my phone turned off all day on Sunday. I want to tell you how much has changed, but at the same time, I can’t seem to find the words.
And just like that, every thought and feeling in my body stopped, and I became blocked. All of my chakras closed their gates and suddenly, I have nothing to say. This has been happening all week; it’s felt impossible to talk to you about anything. My usual flow of ideas has dried up. I have nothing to talk to you about, nothing on a deeper level, at least. My inner world is a spiral that’s eating me whole and is yet to spit me out, and I don’t know what will come of it once it’s done, so I’ve been looking outwards instead of inwards as a way of continuing.
I can tell you about the trees and how yellow they have become. I can tell you about how fascinating I find the process of the trees shedding their leaves in autumn. I can tell you how much difference wearing tights under trousers makes when it’s three degrees outside. I can tell you how revitalizing it feels to step outside into the cold weather and feel your nose turn red after spending all day by the fire. I can tell you how much I love reading a paragraph that I want to underline and never forget. I can tell you how hard it’s been to accept that I’ve closed my book club starting next month. I can tell you how much I’ve been craving hot cocoa instead of coffee, and I can tell you how good life has felt when I pay attention to all of these details.
I could also tell you how hard life has felt when I look inside, but we’ll save that for another day when I have more clarity.
What I will say is that I turn to magic, spirituality, and faith to feel like I’m on my path and not falling to pieces. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the heaviness of life, and for me, trusting that I’m guided is what works best. “Fear and faith both demand you believe in something you cannot see,” and instead of putting my energy into fear and worrying about what could come next, I prefer to put my energy into faith, believing that life is doing what it knows best and it’s all simply a part of my journey.
Reading other people’s experiences, opinions, understandings, and stories through written words feels magical to me. Being able to connect with other people thanks to them sharing themselves through their writing is not to be taken lightly. Something that helps me feel connected to a higher power or to Nature is reading good astrology. Here are some quotes from Ethereal Culture’s November reading, that line up with what I’ve experienced so far this month:
We’re leaving behind an old era—old structures, systems, patterns, and traditions that no longer serve us.
The more we can be honest with ourselves and each other, even if it’s painful, and the more we embrace our growth and evolution, the easier this period will be. In this time of Scorpio, we can shed our leaves and allow ourselves to feel naked and seen, without flinching or running away.
Surrounded by skeletons of trees, may we celebrate darkness, inviting it to our table with love and acceptance. May we remember that monsters are just angels with closed hearts, and the only thing to fear is fear itself. If we relax the constriction around our hearts, the waves of intense feelings will lead us home.
—Ethereal Culture Astrology.
I trust my intuition, and sometimes I’ve felt the need to make decisions that don’t seem logical but feel right—like, for example, closing my book club. To one side of my brain, it doesn’t make sense, but to the other side, it makes perfect sense. The logical side gives me more reasons to listen to it and tries to convince me that it’s right. However, over the years, I’ve learned that my intuition knows what’s best, even when my brain can’t comprehend the reasons behind the decisions.
Trusting your gut or listening to your intuition takes a lot of practice, but the more you begin to trust it, the more you realize that there are no “bad” decisions. Some may not make sense at first, but as time goes on, the answers will become clear, and you will be shocked at how “perfectly everything lined up without you knowing.”
I believe that we always know, and that the world we live in is magical, constantly giving us signs pointing us in the right direction. When we’re not sure where to go or where we’re heading, we can always ask and find out. I like to call these signals from the Universe “little ticks,” ✔️ and I trust them deeply.
For example, a few weeks ago, I wrote an essay for
and spoke about how I was shedding leaves like the trees in autumn. I also wrote in this essay today about fear and faith, and both of those topics were mentioned in Ethereal Culture’s reading. You may think it’s a coincidence or that it was trapped in my subconscious somehow; however, I prefer to believe that it’s magic guiding me on my path.
Remembering to feel gratitude and acceptance is what gets me through the toughest times. It may feel like there’s a storm going on inside of me that I can’t yet read, but I have faith that it will have to end at some point and that I’ll be gifted with new teachings from it. I can’t expect to see it all yet because I’m still walking through the dark tunnel, but I do know that once I reach the end, I’ll take a step into the light and be able to see everything clearly again. Instead of fearing that everything is broken, that I need to change, that I need to analyse and dive deep, I let those feelings come and go as they need, and I don’t hold onto any of them. I shift my attention to the things that feel magical about life and make my heart grow.
I think about a very special little girl called M who feels like my sunshine. I think about the tulip bulbs slowly waking up and getting ready to begin their new cycle. I think about grabbing my bright red puffer jacket and going on a walk in Nature. I think about the warmth of the fire and how satisfying it is to know how to chop wood safely now. I think about how cooking relaxes me and keeps me occupied on pitch-black autumn evenings. I think about how much C laughed while watching Notting Hill and hugged me because we love seeing people in love, even if it is only a film. I think about how I feel in my red wool jumper and how grateful I am to be warm. I think about all the unread books I have on my nightstand and how grateful I am to love reading.
I’m grateful for having faith when I feel fear creeping up on me, because I know in my bones that no matter what life looks like, it’s all perfect and will be okay.
You can read the essay I wrote for about shedding leaves in autumn here: LINK
This essay by
called what we talk about when we talk about tasteThis essay by
called my take on attachmentThis essay by
called No phone on Sundays, which inspired me to fully turn my phone off this weekend.Two essays on motherhood in similar yet different ways by two women that inspire me greatly:
with 720 days of this and with 19 preguntas antes de convertirte en madre.This essay by
called I’m Always Talking About Nature & Magic who also inspires me deeply and makes me feel seen and understood with my witchy ideas.This essay by
called the earth cries with us whose writing is extremely poetic, profound and beautiful.This essay by
called the past few months have been hard… (I’m with you on that one, Núria. And btw, I don’t have my driving license yet for the exact same reasons as you)Last but not least, this essay by someone I love deeply and dearly
that has written Echar de menos por adelantado and it’s something I feel the same way she does. Too much in fact, but I guess that’s what happens cuando quieres mucho, te preocupas mucho también.
*If I’d had this many inspiring women around me growing up, my life would have been very different.
❤️