152. Reaching 900 subscribers, we dress for the girls, I'm fed up of pleasing men and I hate journaling.

I'm most nervous for the last statement.

Can someone tell me astrologically what’s going on because everyone I talk to lately is going through it. We’ve got people going through a break up or in the middle of a crisis, family members falling ill, flights being cancelled, people starting new jobs, moving houses, people having identity crises, feeling homesick… Literally all of my friends are suffering right now, including myself. Life feels strange, tense and fragile; which I guess it always is but most of the time we don’t realise. I feel like the past few weeks things have been placed in front of us and not exactly on a silver platter. It’s more like an angry parent screaming “take it or go hungry” when you don’t like the dinner you’ve been served.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately because I myself have been in the thick of it, and when that happens I spend a lot of time ruminating over my own thoughts and writing down those which sound half appealing and give me the desire to dig deeper. My first big thought has been that this newsletter passed 900 subscribers this week, which is absolutely mental. None of you are mental, I appreciate you all very much but the fact that 900 people read this newsletter and receive my words in their email inbox every week is absolutely insane.

Andrea

asked me on a call the other day how I started writing this newsletter and how I started writing in general, and I was stunned because I can’t actually remember and that’s one reason why I regret not being a journal person (more on that later). All I can remember is living in Barcelona and telling C that I’d set up a Substack account and that I was going to send something once a week to get into the habit of writing. I think it was because I wanted to write a book and I realised that I’d need some sort of habit to be able to sit down and write for long stretches, but that was it. I also remember that Substack wasn’t what it is now. There was no social media aspect to it, no Notes, no podcasts, no re-stacks… It was just a website that allowed you to write and publish a text which was sent to all subscribers via email.

When I first set up this newsletter, it didn’t have a name and I had 0 subscribers. Literally. C was the first person to sign up and then I shared it on my Instagram story and I sent messages to my family and they slowly began to appear. But it was just me writing about myself and my thoughts to my close family and friends. I had no expectations and I had no idea I could ever achieve what I’ve achieved today. I was strict with myself about the weekly publishing because I struggle with consistency and continuing to show up once the initial shot of dopamine has gone, but here we are. One hundred and fifty two weeks later without having missed a single one. This is most definitely one of my proudest achievements, along with learning how to write “definitely” after spelling it wrong every single time for the past three years.

I know that numbers are just numbers and that there are other things to focus on. I’m a firm believer in that too. Numbers aren’t the best measuring stick, but letting yourself savor it every once in a while is good for your health too. I did this all by myself by showing up week after week and finding the time to write every week rain or shine. Nobody could have done that for me. This experience has taught me that I can do something if I want to and if I just focus on the present. I have no idea what will happen next week or what I’ll feel inclined to write, so I don’t need to think about it. Is that too simple? Maybe. I think of it as going on a long run. If I start off hoping to see “10 km” written on my watch as I’m taking my first steps, I’m only going to get stressed, rush it, forget about my breathing and have a shit time wishing it were over from the very beginning. So if I continue to take it week by week, we may even reach another three years.

Being true to yourself and sharing your truth gets you a long way too. I was a nobody before starting this newsletter. And I mean that in the nicest way possible to myself. I’d just moved cities and left my whole life behind and was, I guess you could say, in the middle of a crisis and I craved friends. I started the online Pomelo Book Club thanks to this newsletter which helped me meet new people. Then, after a year or so, total strangers started to subscribe and would like and comment pretty frequently. Then we’d follow each other on Instagram and those once random strangers are now my best friends. I guess the internet can be scary but cute in a way.

All in all, a note to self (and to you, reader): you can do hard things, you can be consistent if you prioritize and you will get better. It really is as simple as “practice makes perfect”. That has been my moto since my mum shouted it to me from the kitchen window when I was crying over not being able to jump rope like all the other girls at school. Also, I hate to sound like one of those people popping up on your Instagram feed being like “practice makes perfect” and “show up no matter what” and “you can do hard things” and “keep your promises to yourself” but it’s all true unfortunately. If you have a magical way that’s less cringe and equally as useful, let us know in the comments.

900 people is a lot of people, 152 weeks is a lot of weeks and the love and gratitude I feel is both of those numbers added together and then that number to the power of a really big number that will make it an even bigger number.

Seeing as today I’m feeling like a leo that has no f’s to give, I thought it would be a great time to talk about something else I’ve been ruminating over this past week.

I’ve noticed that whenever I cross a man in the supermarket or at a car boot sale (these are usually the only two places I see other people in real life), I smile at them as a gesture of some sort of politeness that I’m unable to name at the moment. Why do I always feel the need to not be hated by men? I mean I do know why, but that’s too trauma dumpy to share here, but still. Why am I not over it?

If a man is stood staring at the thirty different types of pasta in the supermarket aisle and I have to grab the pasta he’s standing right in front of, I automatically approach him in an “I’m so sorry to bother you” type of energy and will then proceed to say “sorry” out loud to this man, all while smiling. And so I ask myself, does this man really need, or deserve, everything I’m giving him? Why can’t I just walk up to him, grab my pasta without looking at him and walk off nice and chill and confident? It’s still a mystery but I will obsess over it enough until I find the answer.

Because Instagram can read my mind and hears my ruminating thoughts, it fed me a video that showed three friends (girls) in cute outfits, outdoors, laughing together with a text over it saying something like “pov when you stop caring about men’s existence” and that hit hard. Do you know how much of myself I’ve lost and locked away because of being scared to look ridiculous in front of boys? (I’m sorry I can’t call them men). You probably do if you’re a woman and not a leo. Well, I’ve decided that it’s over. I’m going to unleash my crazy, yet true personality shine through, and if a man were to ever have a problem with it, then I’d figure it out in the moment because as I said before, we take it week by week. First I need to learn how to grab the pasta without feeling like a man is sparing my life, but I think I can do it.

More fragmented but important thoughts: I hate journaling and I’ve been afraid to say it until recently. I have bought so many Moleskine notebooks that have never been filled, I’ve lost count. And that’s for the best because they cost twenty euros a notebook. I’ve tried, and tried again, to be a journaling, diary writing girlie but I hate it. I think I’ve had one successful and useful journaling experience and it was this month, for the record: I’ve been buying journals (expensive blank notebooks) since 2016.

I sat down to-do my “morning pages” and because I was especially stressed that day, I word-vomited a lot and it felt great. I even found some solutions for those stressors and it was an out of this world experience, but it’s never going to happen again because it’s not happened in the past eight years apart from this single day I’m now talking about. If you’re able to achieve this celestial feeling every time you journal, I’m jealous.

The use I now give my notebooks is to write down my to-do lists and to write whenever I want to get things out of my head that don’t need to be shared with 900 people, but that’s it. If you hate journaling too, just know that you’re not alone. I’d actually like to know how many people truly love writing obsessively in their notebook, but then again I used to say that about going on walks and now I’m a part of the “hot girl walk” sect, so I’m not one to talk.

Lastly, I’d like to say that I feel like I’ve undergone a transformation regarding fashion. My outfits have always consisted of jeans, a t-shirt, a hoodie and some trainers. We love a good basic outfit but these were never giving anything. They were not a fashionable type of basic but truly: basic. Another reel popped up on my Instagram page (do all of my thoughts depend on Instagram’s algorithm? Most probably, just as yours do too) about how “we’re dressing for the girlies now” and I’ve decided that I’m now a part of that social group too. We (girls) spend our whole adolescence dressing to find external validation from boys and get laser eye surgery to see ourselves through the male gaze. Well, I’m turning 27 next month and I’ve been in a stable relationship for eight years and I no longer need external male validation because C calls me ‘guapa’ when I’m dribbling while sleeping, cuddling my teddy bear.

My best outfits lately have come from opening my wardrobe while asking myself “what clashes the most?” and “how can I try to look the ugliest?”. Now, those are two questions I’ve never asked myself before getting dressed, but now that I’m dressing for the girlies everything is so much more fun, colourful and less tight. Mix the brown and the navy, the pinks and the reds, the dresses with the jeans, the stripes with the squares; and act like a leo.

1. I read There There by Tommy Orange and loved it. It follows 12 characters that are Native American and are all connected somehow. The author has created a complex web where all the character’s lives are intertwined and have, in different small yet massive ways, influenced each other’s lives. It was a beautiful read but I also loved it because of the short chapters and the fast pace. I’d rate it a 9/10 but I’m terrible at remembering who each character is and I felt a bit lost at times.

2. Jesús
   and I worked extremely hard on this month’s issue of our online magazine: poda.serving so go give it a read. It’s all about books, because that’s what our latest proyect poda.server is about: books. You can read it on Substack here
   poda.server
   :)

3. Giorgia
   absolutely blew my mind with this essay called “dear England, you changed me” and I really want you to read it.

4. Júlia Navarro
   is another one of my current favourite newsletters, we’ve kind of become internet friends and she writes in both English and Spanish, so you have no excuse not to read them. You can read her latest essay called “report at the Gate B05: in obsession, i find peace. the feeling of not wanting to be anywhere else or doing anything else.”

5. This hit all the right notes in all the right places. “late stage summer: missed connections, audre’s legacy and demure vs brat” by

   • channeling •

6. I will forever recommend

   WARKITCHEN
   to everyone and this essay called “The problem with Modern Weight Loss Advice” by Veronica is fantastic.