151. The downsides of living in the countryside.

I felt lonely and wanted a new life, in reality I was just missing my friends.

We’ve had a couple of grey rainy weeks and no matter how much I focus on the good and remember that the weather doesn’t have to rule my emotions, it’s hard. Sometimes it’s easier to just accept that life can be hard at times, but remain hopeful that tomorrow will be another day. Call me delusional, but it’s the only thing that keeps me going: knowing that the sun may come out tomorrow and if it’s not tomorrow, it will hopefully be the day after.

I live in Brittany with my boyfriend and when I say we’ve had no summer, I mean it. The sky is grey most days and we rarely see the blue sky because it’s always covered with clouds and when it rains, it pours. Not only that, it all changes in the blink of an eye. Yesterday it was raining cats and dogs all day, but at 19:00 the sun came out and the skies turned blue enough for you to forget it had even rained at all. The weather here is a reminder that no matter how dark things may be in the moment, they will probably be different in a matter of minutes. You’ve just got to wait it out.

I felt extremely lonely a couple of days ago and this isn’t a feeling I’m used to. I adore being alone and doing things by myself. I love reading in silence, lying in red hot baths, going on long walks and runs, sitting in the garden looking at the plants and trees, writing in my journal or on my computer, cleaning… I really do enjoy spending time alone. However, I’m hardly ever alone because my boyfriend C and I have lived together since the day we met eight years ago. We both work from home, have two shared creative projects and live in the middle of the countryside where socialising in person is extremely limited. Most people wonder how we don’t go crazy, but once they truly get to know us, they understand that we’re two peas in a pod and that we honestly don’t get sick of each other. Having C around and loving my alone time leads me to hardly ever feeling lonely. I talk to myself and I talk to him, plus I spend a lot of time on video-calls talking to friends and family, so I feel connected to everyone while being physically isolated from the world.

However, with the constant grey heavy days and the skies opening pouring rain, I felt bored of being here. I wanted to wear cute outfits and go out to see people. I wanted to hop on my bike and meet a friend in town for coffee. I wanted to wander aimlessly around a book shop for an hour. I wanted to go out and talk to people in English or in Spanish. I wanted to meet a friend and end up doing spontaneous plans. I wanted to walk around a garden center with my mum. I wanted to walk along the beach with my dad. I wanted to sit outside on a sunny terrace with Mamá and Mobi. I wanted someone to tell me about their life in person, sitting at the same table as me instead of across a phone screen. I deeply missed my amigas. I deeply missed my family. I felt a type of heartache that I haven’t felt for a very long time. I always miss my people deeply, but I get so caught up in life that I don’t tend to dwell over it, but because I was feeling so fed up with being indoors because of the weather, I spent more time than usual longing for what I don’t have.

I was picturing living somewhere else where I could make all of these things I was missing happen. In my dreams, I’d live in the countryside surrounded by trees and cows, but still be close enough to ride my bike to go and see my friends. I’d have a mainly peaceful life with the occasional stress of the busy city where I could go into bookshops with a coffee in hand. I’d live close to snowy mountains in winter to go snowboarding on and also close enough to the beach to go swimming in summer. I’d live ten minutes away from all of my friends and would host meals at my home for all of us. I’d do a lot of things, but the reality is that none of these things are possible.

My dream life isn’t possible because my amigas live in Murcia, Liverpool, Logroño, Madrid, Cádiz, Alicante, Valladolid, Málaga, Barcelona or USA and they’re never all going to live in the same city. Not only that, there aren’t many places that have the right balance of countryside and city or the right balance of snowy snowboardable mountain and warm dreamy beach balance. And even if a place did exist that had the perfect balance of those four things, my people still wouldn’t be there. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

I’m fortunate enough to currently be living the life I used to dream of and I don’t take a single day of it for granted. I’m deeply grateful for the house I live in, the place I live, the country I live in, the person I live with, my work situation, my garden… Everything I have is now a reality whereas one day, it was only a faraway dream, but I’m still only human. Some days I really miss my people. I really miss not being able to put a dress on top of my baggy jeans and wander around a city buying flowers, books and coffee. Some days I feel like crying because I can’t organise my birthday party and for all of my amigas to come because the flights to get here are so complicated and expensive. But apart from all that, I know how privileged and lucky I am and that’s where I decide to put my focus.

If I were given the opportunity to move back to Barcelona or to Madrid, I’d say ‘no’ because I do actually know what’s best for me and what brings me more peace. Never say never, but right now I’m a countryside girl through and through and that’s exactly where I am. But that doesn’t mean that some days it’s not hard. The reality is that I’m isolated, I’m in a foreign country where they speak another language and I can’t make friends because I can’t put a verb in the correct tense, I see more cows than humans and I see more trees than buildings. There’s one bakery and one crêpes restaurant in the village, one supermarket and not many young people. There is so much empty space that brings me so much peace, but sometimes it’s hard to find a way to fill that empty space.

It felt good to feel the heartache of missing my amigas and acknowledging that they mean so much to me. And it also felt healthy to be able to say “I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of, but sometimes it’s still hard, and that’s okay”. No matter what, we always have the power to look at what we do have instead of what we lack because I don’t know about you, but when I focus on what things I don’t have, life feels like a vortex that swallows me whole and spits me out feeling like a total loser. I begin to compare myself to others, to desire things I don’t need and especially, to think that there’s one thing out there that will make my life perfect and of course, I’m never able to find it.