148. Turns out I'm a girl's girl.
I found out three years ago.
Girls are mean. Girls are feisty. Girls are toxic. Girls gossip. Girls will steal your boyfriend. Girls are hard work. Girls will speak behind your back. Girls are cruel. Girls are drama queens. Girls love to argue. Girls are jealous of other girls. Girls are a nasty piece of work.
How could I ever trust a girl when these ideas are what I was fed?
Boys are easier. Boys are more chill. Boys don’t like drama. Boys play football. Boys accept you no matter what. Boys are nicer. Boys are more adventurous. Boys are rough but exciting. Boys are more immature. Boys don’t spread lies.
“Are you friends with the boys like I was when I was your age?”
You want to know what you should write about. You’re afraid that whatever you write will be trivial, or just another version of something that’s already been said. But remember, there is at least one book in you that cannot be written by anyone else but you. My advice is to dig deep and find it. —Sigrid Nunez.
I’ve been thinking about this essay for days and even though I know what feelings I want to write about, it’s proving difficult to paint the picture outside of my head. I feel such intense and deep love for the people that have inspired this essay, and transforming those emotions into words feels like I’m watering them down.
When you’re writing, you’re trying to find out something you don’t know. —James Baldwin
Baldwin’s got a point. I know what I want to write about, but there are so many nuances that are unknown. I remember telling my therapist in our first session that my current relationship and my friendships were the thing I was most proud of in this lifetime. She caught me off guard with her questions and asked me if I had many friends and what my friendships were like. I was unable to use adjectives to paint her a picture, all I was able to say was that they’re my proudest achievement, which is true.
It’s no secret that I’ve been a magnet for toxicity in previous years of my life, that’s most probably why I cherish the healthy relationship and friendships I have nowadays. I know what it’s like to be on the other side of the spectrum. I’ve walked in the darkest of alleys wandering in fear, ready for the next monster to jump out and take me to the underworld. Another one of my proudest achievements is running for dear life and escaping those alleys, but that’s a story for another day. However, whenever I sit down to write about friendships and relationships, I wonder how deep I should go. These thoughts and feelings aren’t only mine, they both include other people. In the case of friendship, people I no longer know of. People that have most probably changed as much as I have over the years. I worry about how deep to go, how much to share, how much to fly over and leave out, but as Co-Star told me this morning: You’re too in the middle of it to be objective right now.
Beware irony, ignore criticism, look to what is simple, study the small and humble things of the world, do what is difficult precisely because it is difficult, do not search for answers but rather love the questions, do not run away from sadness or depression for these might be the very conditions necessary to your work. —Sigrid Nunez.
I read that your nervous system can go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn state and with this essay I’ve been stuck in freeze mode, which essentially means that your body shuts down and you feel an inability to think, speak, fight against or run away from. I’ve been ruminating over how to tell this story because can I tell the happy story without telling the sad story? They’re both connected and one leads to another. Would it mean anything to the reader if they only read the happy part? Would I be telling the truth? The only thing I can do is tell my truth and trust in the importance of authenticity. The deadline was approaching so I drank a cup of tea to combat the brain fog and trusted that the right words would flow.
The event that triggered the desire to write about my friends today was seeing all the comments on my latest YouTube video. I’d shared the link on my Instagram story and said that I’d stepped out of my comfort zone and wasn’t sure how I felt about the result. I did a VoiceOver for the first time, and doesn’t everyone shiver at the sound of their own voice in a recording? As I was in the car on my way to the beach, my phone blew up with notifications. My friends were commenting on the video and messaging me to tell me how much they loved it and how great it had made them feel. I felt a wave of love come over me. I felt like angels had come down and covered me in a white veil that was protecting me from the harsh outside world. I felt like I had an army behind me ready to fight off any haters or fearful feelings. I felt strong and confident. All of my doubts vanished and I began to believe that what I’d done was beautiful. I was seeing myself and my work with my friend’s eyes.
As I look back on this event, I’m surprised at how much people’s support can change the way we see ourselves. It’s self-help book level 1 to know that we can’t depend on external validation to feel good, but every human has doubts at times, and being lifted by your friends should be seen as a beautiful and magical phenomenon. It should be encouraged and we should learn to accept their showers of love and be ready to shower our people when they may need it. We’re better and stronger together.
It took me twenty four years to realize that the girls I met in the bathrooms drunk in nightclubs were what having girl friends was actually like. It wasn’t just a nightclub occurrence. I remember feeling shocked when meeting girls in the bathroom because they treated me like we were best friends even though we’d never see each other again. I always guessed that it was due to the alcohol, that it made them love everyone but that it only lasted the night. I was wrong.
I’d always been told to avoid being friends with girls because we were destined to argue, fall out, pull each other’s hair and eventually move on to other friends, always leaving someone behind. I was taught that girls weren’t to be trusted and to always be jealous of the prettier ones; they were especially dangerous because they were powerful.
I had girl friends growing up but those relationships were nothing like the friendships I have nowadays with my amigas. I was a different person back then and those friends most probably were too. Everyone changes over time. As I’ve gotten older and I’ve eased into showing up as my most authentic self no matter what, people with soft hearts have crossed paths with me and as a result, changed my life.
Gema taught me that forgiveness was possible and that all girls aren’t full of venom and hatred.
Isa taught me that it’s possible to meet someone for the first time and tell them how beautiful they are without feeling worried about their reaction.
Laurent taught me that reaching out doesn’t have to be scary and can be welcomed with a hug.
Dora taught me that age means nothing and that friendships survive thanks to effort and phone calls.
Sofía taught me that new friends can be as exciting as seeing a new girl in your class on the first day of school.
Ángela taught me that being a friend means being a fan and a faithful supporter.
Carlota taught me that laughing is the most honest way to show your heart.
Sara and María taught me that sharing our writing means being vulnerable and finding strength by holding hands.
Meri and Gala taught me that there are other people in the same situation as you that understand your loneliness.
Soph taught me that “I love that for you” can mean empowerment, validation, support and love all at the same time.
Andrea taught me that reaching out when you see someone suffering is an act of bravery.
I had to break down a lot of mental conceptions to allow the first girl into my heart. I had to stop treading around her with fear, ready to run away. I had to let my guard down and allow my heart to trust her. I had to hold my heart in the palm of my hand and show it to her, believing that she’d care for it instead of prick it. I had to leap into this new world of girls without understanding the unwritten rules. I had to allow these girls to lead the way and for them to be my teachers.
I remember sitting on the train on my way home after a weekend with Gema and Isa in Madrid. I remember this being the first time in my life that “three wasn’t a crowd” and experiencing for the first time that three girls can be together without “leaving one out”. I remember crying while writing in my journal that I felt empowered by feminine energy and had never felt something as strong as that before. I’d been told I was pretty, cool, intelligent, creative and beautiful all in one weekend by two beautiful, intelligent, powerful women. They didn’t tread on me and make me feel small and inferior, they did the complete opposite. I returned to my home in Barcelona feeling like the coolest and most attractive woman in the world. I felt like I could be myself and be loved for exactly who I am; and that was new to me in a friendship.
I remember thinking of an excuse to make a WhatsApp group with them, in the hopes of clinging onto them both. I wanted to find a way to remain friends and keep feeling the rush of love I’d felt that weekend. A few minutes later, I got a notification saying that Isa had created a group with the three of us in it and had shared a news article. I was relieved. I was in the group. I was accepted and still am to this day. They are still two of the loves of my life and have taught me that I don’t have to have “best friends” because every woman in our lives is our best friend. Every friend is special and no matter what, we lift each other up and we love with our whole hearts.
Gala said that it feels like we’re a part of a secret society, but being women already feels like being in a secret society. We’re fed so many misconceptions about other women from a young age and we’re always eyeing each other from the shadows. It’s time to change the narrative: Tell the girl on the metro that you love her outfit, she’s on your team. Tell the girl in the coffee shop that you loved the book she’s reading, she’s on your team. Tell the girl in the thrift shop debating whether to get the t-shirt that it’s awesome, she’s on your team. Tell the girl you follow on Instagram that she’s killing it with her project, she’s on your team.
The more we understand that we’re all on the same team and the more we show other girls our own heart, the more hearts they’ll show. And hearts are the only way to keep this world turning in the right direction. My amigas changed my life, together we can create a ripple effect.
Arnie has been my friend and teacher since I was eleven years old. She’s a strong woman that had endured so much in her life. She was the first person to tell me to trust the Universe when I still imagined God as a man sitting on a floating cloud. She is the inspiration behind this new section called “caring is sharing”. As she told me on the phone: “If you care, you share” and I care.
- is the co-host of our podcast FRAGMENTOS and she’s a big inspiration to me. She’s an amazing friend, writer, speaker and person. If someone you know has lots of true friends that show up and support them every time they do something, you know that person has a good heart; Carlota is one of those people. Our podcast is our baby so I’m biased but her newsletter is how I met her and I thought it was incredible and I still do. Read it here: entreoctubres
- is someone I’ve never met in person, but I consider as one of my people online. I also discovered her through her newsletter and admired her for courage to go on so many solo dates which she called “party of one”. She’s always shown up and supported me and I feel like we’re on the same team. Read her newsletter here: Party of One
- has shown me so much love and support and I’d like to shed a light on her wonderful work. We’ve never met each other, but again, I know we’re on the same team and rooting for each other. Charlie has written some incredible pieces that have resonated with many people and I really recommend you give them a look. I especially love this piece about smartphones stealing our realities and this piece about autistic burnout and her relationship with sport. You can read her newsletter here: REWILD
- is also a team member, we support each other and root for each other here on Substack. This piece called women in rivolta blew my mind and was a massive inspiration while writing today’s POMELO about my amigas. Read her newsletter here: splat
- is one of the loves of my life and has a newsletter I love because I love her and her writing is so honest and pure. Her newsletter is called and I wish she’d write more because it makes me feel closer to her. Long distance friendships are a blessing but they also suck. Read her newsletter here: gelatina de postre and read one of my favourite pieces here: No hay una edad para hacer ciertas cosas.
Substack’s telling me that I’m reaching my email limit so I’ll share more next week 💙
The Youtube Vlog that inspired this pomelo:
to know i’m part of the team, makes me tear up!! Thank you so much for always showing support with the kindest words! I’m so glad to have run into POMELO and have ‘met’ you 🥰🫂
omg no te conozco pero que cosa más bonita !!