143. I skateboarded for the first time in two years today.

Javi Garrido + neuroscience + previous therapy lessons helped me sail through my first day back. Maybe C also helped by cheering for every tiny thing I accomplished.

I’m spending the morning at the most beautiful skate park I’ve ever been to. It’s surrounded by grass and fruit trees, and unlike most skateparks I’ve been to, it feels calm. I’m writing this while sitting on the grass under the warm sun, next to an apple tree. C is skating in front of me and keeps shouting “Tronqui, look!” before he does a trick. 

This is the first time I’ve skated in two years. C and I used to skate almost every day in Barcelona and would go everywhere with our boards. However, I was never a skilled skater. I was more of an “I can do a good ollie and can skate to wherever I need to go in the city” type of skater. I always hated skateparks (with a passion) because I never once saw a girl in one, and the energy was always very male dominated and arrogant. I’d go with C and read my book on the side, deciding not to take part in whatever was cooking between the males and their boards.

However, today is different and not just because the skatepark is empty and feels like a peaceful place full of lush fruit trees and greenery. These things definitely make the experience different, but it’s mainly because I’m a different person. 

I used to be worried about being seen falling, trying or failing and every time I’d do something “wrong” I’d quickly look up to see if anyone had seen me mess up and I’d feel embarrassed. Today I kept trying until I accomplished what I’d set out to do, but the biggest change was believing that every tiny baby step towards success felt important and like a part of the journey. When skating before, I used to want to jump straight into pro-mode whereas now I’m enjoying the learning curve and I feel proud of it. 

I’ve grown and come to understand that nobody is perfect and those who are very skilled at something started from zero too. Learning is the fun part and I imagine that once you become a pro, there’s very few times you’ll ever encounter the challenge of having to learn from square one. You’ll always have so much knowledge and experience to work with. I imagine you learn more dangerous tricks and will always be able to reach higher levels while perfecting what you already know how to do. But you’ll never be a total novice again because of experience, muscle memory, confidence and knowledge. We tend to think that the goal is becoming an expert and a professional, but there’s so much joy and excitement to be found in the new and unknown; let’s not take it for granted.

When we packed our tote bags this morning to come to the skatepark, I spoke to myself in my head. This is something I discovered thanks to therapy. I learned that I could slow down and talk to myself as a form of self-soothing. I practiced this while walking around the house looking for my hat and my trainers telling myself that I could skate if I wanted to or I could write in my journal, read a book or eat my sandwich in the sun. I gave myself different options and didn’t put any expectations on skateboarding. I told myself that I could decide once I was there depending on what felt right. The day would be just as fun and successful if I didn’t want to skateboard.

After eating my ham and butter sandwich at a picnic table in the skatepark, I warmed up and got onto my board full of excitement. I started off slowly and felt my legs begin to shake. I practiced stopping, turning and felt my tense body begin to loosen up. I couldn’t stop thinking about how something I used to do on a daily basis felt so foreign now. Here I was doing a hard thing while having fun, pushing myself to do a tiny bit more. This week I read

Girl Moss

talk about something hard she’d recently done and she mentioned one of her sister

Nicole Vignola

’s Instagram posts (this one) about doing hard things to create willpower and mental resilience, and I kept that in mind while skating. I kept reminding myself that I can do this, I just need to trust myself and push through the fear. 

“…the more you trust yourself to do the things that feel right for you, no matter how hard or scary, the more you begin to trust yourself. The more this happens, the more you create a growing body of evidence that supports the notion that you CAN do hard things, and you CAN trust yourself.” — Girl Moss

Another thing that’s helped push me through the fear has been Javi Garrido. I’ve had the pleasure of working with her by being her teacher and in return she’s been a valuable teacher for me too. She’s a professional skater, a female pro who inspires me and many other women to keep pushing the limits, keep showing up and keep believing. She’s a spiritual person, as I am, and she mixes this side of herself in her skating. One day, she told me about how she connects with the skatepark and asks it for permission to skate on it before getting started. Today, I did the same. She also told me about how she connects with her skates and imagines them as an extension of herself. She does both of these things by meditating and by using visualisation. You may or may not believe in these things, but sitting down and focusing on what you’re about to do, seeing yourself have fun and feeling confident while remaining present and connected will always be safer and better than half-heartedly throwing yourself down concrete ramps with wheels on your feet hoping for the best. 

My experience today has been exciting and fulfilling. I feel bigger and lighter than I used to when I skated in the past. I feel more confident and more importantly, I had a smile on my face. I don’t want to be a pro and I don’t want to become an expert. I want to move my body, have fun, push myself, feel comfortable in fear and connect with my boyfriend who in my eyes is a pro on his board.

Now that my legs are feeling like spaghetti and are asking me to stop, I decided to sit on the grass in the sun and take in my surroundings. I feel full of gratitude and can’t stop thinking about what a joy it is to be alive, to be human and to be able to see the fun and the opportunities in the small things that we choose every day. 

It may not look like much, and in reality it isn’t, but it’s more than I knew how to do yesterday and that for me is success.