142. I'm glad my boyfriend and I almost broke up.

We reconsidered it all and re-fell deeply in love.

A couple of weeks ago C and I considered breaking up. After almost eight years of sharing a life together, we both said out loud that maybe it would be best if we went our separate ways. That it wasn’t working anymore. We’d finally reached that crisis point that couples don’t recover from. It was all over. 

My mother and brother in law were staying with us at the time. We were all sitting outside in the garden eating lunch, one thing led to another and C and I ended up arguing over a conversation we were all having. He and I didn’t see things the same way and tension that we already had under the rug was bursting at the seams. What seemed like a bit of roaring turned into full on drama, silent treatment and crying to family members over things that had been happening in our relationship for a while. 

We spent the day upset, in our heads and wondering how we were now going to become two single people instead of a unit that shares their lives together. The day that neither of us thought would ever arrive was now sitting at the table with us looking us right in the eyes. We were the ones that had to decide where to go from here. 

Everything hurt. The more I thought about it, the darker it seemed. The bigger the problem, the harder the solution. Everything truly felt broken and I felt physical pain at the thought of losing everything we’d built together. I won’t get into details of the what’s and the why’s. It was like one of us could see a fire and needed help putting it out but the other person wasn’t able to see the fire from where they were standing and didn’t understand all the commotion.

Our house was full of discomfort the day of the explosion. C was in the garden cutting the grass trying to get his mind off what was happening, I was working while forcing a smile, Mamá was cleaning the kitchen while hurting and Tato was drawing in his notebook coming up with metaphors and as he said, learning from the situation. C and I weren’t speaking and Mamá and Tato were treading on eggshells. It was horrible, painful, dense, heavy, dark and upsetting. And even though I was sorry that they were seeing us in the thick of it, I felt lucky to be able to show up as my most authentic self and know that they were holding me and C at the same time. 

Relationships require so much effort and constant conversation, and I’m proud of the relationship C and I have built over the years, but we sometimes still have our moments. We’ve both worked hard to achieve what we are together, but you never stop building, ever. We talk openly about our feelings and we make sure to show love and support for the other, but there are always some things that get lost along the way, so you have to stop and reassess. What things are we missing? What do we need more of? What do you need me to do for you? What do we need to work on?

Weeks have passed since that big argument and I feel like a teenager deeply in love, obsessed with her lover. I feel like my heart is closer to his heart than it has been in a while. We’re best friends, we’re work partners, we’re housemates, we eat and sleep together, we have two businesses together, we have passion projects that require parts of both of us… But above all, we’re lovers. 

If we aren’t lovers, we can’t be any of the other things because they all stem from being in a relationship together. Our foundation is our romantic relationship and that requires care, time and effort. Ever since we laid out all the cards on the table, looked at them one by one and decided how we were going to move forwards, I feel like my heart has doubled in size. My nervous system feels calmer, I feel safer and my mind has less to ruminate over. We kiss more, we laugh more, we flirt more, we see each other more. Everything feels expansive and magical.

We were sitting at a café this morning having breakfast and while I was talking to C, he was staring directly into my eyes and I could see what he was thinking. I could see that he was in love with me. That’s all because we almost broke up. When we almost broke up, we broke down walls which were making it more difficult to see each other.

I’ve always been scared of conflict and thought that it meant that everything was broken. But things can be silent and days can pass without a ripple and things can still be broken. Voicing your needs, standing up for yourself and hammering down old walls to build new ones doesn’t have to be a bad thing. If you’re unable to express your feelings without attacking or insulting another person, then you have the problem. But needing to break old patterns to build newer updated versions is beneficial. We both looked at our relationship dynamic and decided what we wanted to change and did it. From that moment on, everything has been different and infinitely better.

We all have the idea that zero conflict means that everything is perfect and steady, which it may be sometimes. However, conflict arising can also be extremely valuable and it can bring new things our way that we wouldn’t see otherwise.

STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓

Resulta que esta vez el tema es “mis queridísimas amigas escriben genial", ruining men’s days and surrendering to the Universe. I like it.

1. Mi dear dear amiga

   ánggggg
   ha vuelto a escribir y me hizo llorar lagrimitas pequeñitas, pero potentes con este último post sobre la idea de que no hay una edad para hacer ciertas cosas.

2. Meri Aldeguer
   me da besitos de mariposa en la mejilla, pero cada aleteo siente como un tsunami de poderío femenino. Lee su último post sobre la chispa de la vida aquí.

3. Mi amiga

   Sara Morín
   ha vuelto a lanzar su newsletter y creo que se merece mucho amor - lee su último post sobre su regreso a Substack como Reburujina, dejaré que os lo cuente ella.

4. All of the three friends mentioned above would love the title and the content of this next piece I’m going to recommend so I think it fits in perfectly with this week. One of my favourite newsletter writers

   Jess Pan
   wrote this piece called “Sorry I’m Late - I was ruining a man’s day” and you must read it.

5. And to end it on a higher-self note: This week has been important for me and I’m sure that the only reason it’s all flowed like clockwork is because I surrendered. In this piece by

   Liz Galarza
   she talks about all the answers being available for us as soon as we surrender.