140. May's effects are still lingering.

But June feels like it's going to be a great one.

Throughout the month of May I’ve been feeling mentally tired and burned out. I’m not entirely sure of the specific reasons and I’ve tried to avoid digging too deep to avoid further exhaustion. I can tend to obsess over the reasons, thinking that once I know “why” I’ll be able to find the root cause and prevent it from happening again. However, I’ve had to learn the hard way that this doesn’t always work. Now, I’m learning how to let go of all the hidden reasons and just let life play out and go with the flow. 

This month I’ve been full of brain fog and missing my usual spark. But after ruminating all week on what I was going to write for POMELO and giving myself a headache, I finally gave in and let my thoughts flow freely and decided to write about how I’m feeling.

Typically, ideas for writing usually come to me with ease. I publish an essay every Monday, which is the day I enjoy the finished essay and see it go out into the world. From Tuesday onwards I open my mind to receiving the next topic. I try not to put too much pressure on myself because I know the idea will appear on its own when the time’s right.

I usually know what I’m going to write about when I have the first sentence or a title. Once I’ve got either of those two, I start writing in my head to see where I can take it and whether I like the direction it’s heading. Many ideas are discarded this way, but others light a fire in my belly and I rush to take notes. For me, the most enjoyable part is going over the opening premise again and again in my mind savoring the feeling of “I’ve got a good one”. 

Usually, I live my day-to-day observing and analysing everything while asking myself “Would this make a good essay?”. Most of the time it’s automatic but lately, it’s been exhausting me. For example, C and I had an argument on Tuesday and I kept asking myself, while crying and feeling full of anger and frustration, “How can I write about this?” Or when Mamá was sick with a fever and I gave her reiki lying on a picnic blanket in the garden I thought “I could paint this picture so beautifully for POMELO” but again, just thinking about it was tiring. I was constantly exhausting myself looking for something to write about when I just wanted to live life without the constant take-note-of-this mindset.

This week I felt the need to tell this life journalist in me to go on holiday and put her notepad and pen away. I didn’t need constant notes on possible writing ideas because they were actually doing more harm than good. When I’m in a good mental space, things come naturally. Everything flows in the right moment and feels easy. Writing comes easy, thinking about the topics comes easy — I genuinely enjoy the process. However, lately everything’s been feeling forced.

Where and how I’ve spent a lot of time this week

I host a podcast with my friend

carlota 🦎

and this month’s episode theme is probably my favourite one to date: friendship. Despite my excitement and having a lot to say about the topic, my mind can’t seem to put two words together or find the right storyline. I feel frozen and everything is too much to think about. 

I’ve been brain-dumping in my journal and have noticed that the headaches start to dissipate when I make an effort to clear my mind by putting it all on paper, but it’s still been difficult to not feel like myself or feel creative. I’m not liking the experience much so I guess there’s a lesson there too, even though I’ve told myself not to go on a constant life lesson Easter egg hunt.

Closing my loops has helped me to feel more at ease. Getting one task done before starting another, replying to the WhatsApp message as soon as I read them, writing down tasks I need to do instead of keeping them in the back of my mind for two days, and doing smaller, quick tasks like washing up, tidying the bedroom or putting the washing machine on. These small actions have made a big difference in clearing out some of the constant noise I had in my mind.

Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards, so even though all of these jumbled up feelings don’t make any sense right now, they will. May was a strange month and it required a lot of rest and stillness. June started off with a kick — my piece in War Kitchen went live the same day as C’s birthday while our family was here.

#080 ISSUE 25 📸

(this is me showing la familia the magazine shouting “tadaaaaaa”)

The past few weeks, our routines have changed, my work schedule has been different and full, la familia has brought their energy and Mobi (the dog) has filled the house with games and cries for attention. Now that I come to think about it, I’m still floating on a cloud and I don’t have to come down yet if I don’t want to. Maybe I’m pushing myself out of a state I’m meant to be in right now. Maybe I’m meant to live in this brain fog state and not push myself for creative outputs, but rather soak it all up and enjoy it. It’s not the end of the world — my creative flow will come back, the energy will change, the big tasks ahead of me will soon belong to the past, and these feelings will pass, as they always do. They may be uncomfortable and not be what I’m used to, but it will be okay.

I don't need to go on a life lesson Easter egg hunt or constantly analyze the reasons behind every thought and feeling. Sometimes, it's best to just let things be and trust that the natural ebb and flow of life will guide me through.