132. I took the weekend off, I no longer need glasses to see and I'm rewiring my brain.

Oh, and we passed 600 subscribers!!!!!

Taking the weekend off.

This weekend, I decided to put my phone on airplane mode because I really needed to take care of myself. As you all know, I live in the countryside and all of my friendships happen through my phone until we’re able to hang out in person, which tends to be once or maybe twice a year. Friendships require a lot of effort and in my case that means a lot of texting, sending photos and video calls. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love receiving all of those things from friends along with sending them but that, plus working freelance and having various online creative projects on the go, means constantly replying to people, remembering to ask people things, checking my phone for notifications and this week I was exhausted. Truly exhausted.

My body’s way of telling me to slow down is by making me sick. A couple of years ago, when I lived hand in hand with stress I’d get weekly migraines on weekends because I’d crash and my body knew that I could allow myself to let go those two days because “I was free” and so I’d spend two days in bed recovering. In reality my body was finding a way to force me to stop. The past two weeks something similar has happened. I’ve had migraines, stomach bugs, a fever, dizziness, low quality sleep, nausea… the lot. And so I knew it was time to do something about it.

At first, I felt my whole body tell me that I couldn’t put my phone on airplane mode and disappear for two days because I have to get started on the next podcast episode and be in contact with

carlota 🦎

, I need to get my weekly POMELO ready, I need to finish reading my current book before my new ones arrive in the post, I need to cut the grass now that it’s much warmer and it’s dry, I need to plant the new seeds before it’s May, I need to clean the house, I need to, I need to, I need to. But I don’t actually need to do any of those things. I’m the one that set all of those deadlines without asking myself if I was in the state to do them or not. I was on autopilot and just assumed that I had to do them because well, they were on my mind and on my to do list.

The world isn’t going to stop because I took two days off, the podcast isn’t going to fail and Carlota isn’t going to kill me if I send her the info on Monday instead of Sunday and as she said in her latest newsletter piece, which inspired this one you’re now reading: “I’d rather be late and arrive well.” I’m no use to anybody, or myself, if I’m dizzy while working, feeling tired and not thinking straight. My creative channel will only get more and more blocked if I continue to push myself to produce without enjoyment.

With my phone on airplane mode I felt lighter. I felt free and not tied to my online life. I was allowed to only think about myself which is something I never do. I’m constantly thinking about my friends and family and half of me is always worried someone has texted me something important and that I’ve missed it. This weekend I told myself that nothing was more important than myself and to help me feel calm while taking this weekend off, I imagined myself asking my friends and family if they minded I disappear and I was sure that each and every one of them would reply with a no!!!!!!!!! Of course!!!!!!!

With my phone and mind on airplane mode, I spent a lot of time in the hammock hung between two trees in the garden reading a book, I watered my stargazer-lily plants, I stared at the tulips and looked at all the different bugs that were hiding inside of them, I spring-cleaned the house and re-distributed all the furniture, I pulled up a lot of weeds on the driveway, I cut the grass (well, half of it), I ate pancakes, strawberries and lots of mini jambon-beurre baguette sandwiches, I vlogged, I edited, I wrote, I meditated, I showered and washed my hair, I watched some YouTube videos and mainly, I cleared my mind and napped.

No longer needing glasses.

While I was sitting on the sofa writing this piece, I noticed a small very round bird jumping around on the grass outside. I couldn’t see it very clearly because I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I can’t see far away all that great, but I smiled and watched it carefully while squinting trying to get a clearer view of it. Then, I realised that I haven’t worn my glasses on a daily basis since the 26th November 2023.

It all started out as a joke because I’d bought some vintage sunglasses and I wanted to wear them but I was wearing my real-I-can’t-see-without-them-glasses and C, my partner, said “you should lose yours like I did mine and then you’ll be cured.” This is because he lost his glasses years ago and was too lazy to buy a new pair and ended up never needing them again, and so he tells this story to everyone who needs glasses. It’s also important to say that C used glasses because “his eyes would get sore and he’d get a headache if he didn’t wear them” which in my opinion was the optician’s way of selling a teenager’s parents expensive glasses because everyone in our generation had the same “problem”. Now he’s able to go down one rabbit hole after another on his laptop or spend three days straight on Illustrator and he’s fine.

Anyway, I was sick of him telling me that I could cure my blurry vision so I decided to be as stubborn as him and I set out to prove him wrong. That same day, I decided to stop wearing my prescription glasses and wore my sunglasses happily. And a little bit blind. Unfortunately, five months later, I’ve actually gotten used to not having my missing -0.25 and -0.75 thanks to my glasses and I now feel very comfortable with not being able to see every single thing far away in 4K. My eye sight has actually improved, which is a bonus. I never liked wearing glasses anyway so I’m not too sad about it.

Seeing the blurry bird through the window made me think about how comfortable I feel now with not being able to anticipate life and see it all while I’m still so far away. Now, “because I can’t see”, I’m allowed to only focus on what’s right in front of me and worry about the rest when I reach it.

I went outside and everything was more structured. People’s faces were defined to an extent I’m not sure I prefer. Once I was home, I sighed. Is too much information too much? –

Alejandra Smits

; Literacy Week

I just wanted to remind you that deep cleaning your home and moving four pieces of furniture around can cause the same effect as going to therapy, buying new clothes, and moving cities. Combined. All within a couple of hours and without spending a penny. Give it a try.

Nicole Vignola

is a neuroscientist and is also one of my favourite people to follow on Instagram. She’s written a book which comes out soon called Rewire: Break the Cycle, Alter Your Thoughts and Create Lasting Change. The title really stuck with me. Rewire. Rewire your brain. Change the way you think. Leave behind old thought patterns. Transform your behavior. Become the person you really want to be. One word “rewire” triggered a waterfall of thoughts which inspired me to finally face the music and change some of the things that I don’t want to be a part of me anymore.

Now that we’re in Spring, I’m seeing a lot more wasps and spiders in the garden, they enjoy the same spaces as I do, so we tend to bump into each other a lot. They aren’t exactly my best friends and I tend to enjoy sharing my bench in the garden with butterflies. My nervous system goes crazy as soon as I see a wasp or a big spider close by and I either squash them (spiders) or run away from them (wasps) but am I really going to be doing that all my life? Am I ever going to live in the countryside in harmony with these small harmless beings?

Rohini Mauk

wrote a beautiful soul wrenching piece about her daughter and another idea really stuck with me:

Unlocking the notion of compassion for all living things and dissolving the illusions of separation became simple: imagine/feel/know that this, too, is your daughter.

Those insects I’ve learned to fear are no different than myself or a butterfly. They’re just as important, harmless, beautiful and special. I no longer need to be afraid of them because I don’t want to fear them. I’ve been remembering this every time I walk past the wasp’s den and instead of taking the long way around to avoid them or run past them screaming inside, I say hello to them, I smile at them and walk past them calmly. I’ve done this more than twenty times this weekend and nothing has happened apart from me feeling calmer and calmer whenever I see a wasp, spider or any other bug near me. I guess I rewired.

Last but not least: This newsletter your reading passed 600 subscribers last week and I’m still in awe. I don’t have a goal nor do I usually focus too much on numbers but imagining six hundred people reading what I write makes me shiver. That’s a lot of people. I started this in September 2021 and had 3 subscribers. The only thing I’ve done to achieve this big number is write every single week rain or shine and trust myself. Emphasis on the trusting part. Nothing else matters apart from writing as best as I can every week, being a critical editor before publishing and not stopping until I feel like I’ve done the best I can in each given moment. I’m feeling very grateful and blessed to be able to do this and have so much fun. Writing is what makes me feel whole and it’s a pleasure to be able to do this and get so much support and love from you in return. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You also made this happen.

STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓

The second episode of FRAGMENTOS, a podcast in which

carlota 🦎

and I talk about a fragment of an essay, the author and other authors that are related, the social context and our own personal experiences on the topic. If you listened to the first episode, thank you but we’re pleased to say we’re finally getting a hang of it and the second one is much better. You can listen to it on Spotify in Spanish.

Turning your phone off every once in a while to reconnect with yourself.

And Sophie Mackintosh’s novels because they’re fantastic. Women in the wild - dystopian vibes, my absolute favourite. If you’re into that vibe, Diane Cook is also amazing.