125. Charizard doesn't like the cold.

Feeling angry about the weather, bath time thoughts and signs my body is on edge.

I wanted a sunny day, didn’t get one and so I became Charizard.

I woke up this morning at six thirty a.m. and fell asleep again until nine. I opened my eyes for the second time and saw the sky right above me through the window. C had opened the blind a few centimetres so he could read this morning in bed. The sky was white and that meant it was a grey day with no sunshine to be seen. A cold day, a foggy day, a rainy day.

A few minutes later, while still laying in bed looking at the sky, I heard the sound of water falling from the shower head. C is having a shower, maybe that’s a good idea, maybe that would help me start this grey cloudy dark day off on a good foot.

I got in the shower and the water was warm. I wet my hair and my face. I washed my hair because no matter how crap you’re feeling, washing your hair can help you feel a bit better. Arnie always used to say “wash that doubt all out of your hair” — Actually I think she used to say “man” not “doubt” but the second option fits better here. I think of her every time I wash my hair hoping to feel better.

Once out of the shower, with my hair in a turbie towel, my teeth brushed and a clean tracksuit on, I head down to the kitchen to make breakfast and coffee. The kitchen is dark, outside is wet, the grass is muddy and swollen, the windows are covered in rain drops, the sky is grey and the atmosphere feels especially heavy. I take my vitamin D supplement, my magnesium and pray for the best. Agárrate que vienen curvas.

I can feel the anger growing inside of me. I can feel my body getting hotter. I can feel my throat closing. I can feel my clothes feeling uncomfortable on my body. I can feel the beginning of everything becoming overstimulating. All while standing in front of the kitchen window looking out at the dismal sky. But cloud has a silver lining.

I know that I control my body and that I can breathe myself through this, I can change the narrative, I can remind myself where to look to see the positive things this day has to offer me. I know I can, but I don’t want to. Feeling angry feels good sometimes but what doesn’t feel good is having nowhere to direct that anger. So take a deep breath.

@nyt_well via mi amiga Ángela

My angry thoughts were definitely starting to feel trapped, they were pinging back and forth and were becoming a real tangled mess. I felt like the kitchen was rapidly filling up with these same blue lines. But in my case they felt red, scorching and fierce.

I took a step outside and I went around the back of the house. I stood under the biggest tree on the property and I stared at it. I observed it. I tried to feel like it. So big and strong, so many years growing in the same place, swaying in the wind, remembering to be flexible enough to not snap in a windy storm. I need to allow myself to sway now, give myself some wiggle room. I thought about how it has no leaves now that it’s winter. Does this tree feel different now too? Does it feel heavier when the sky is grey and there’s no sun caressing its leaves and trunk? I like to think that it does.

Now that I was outside and the fire-red squiggly lines had more space to flow freely, I started to feel lighter. The fire in my belly was cooling down. I could breathe easier, the fresh air felt good. I was letting go. Almost there.

Expectations are a hard thing to manage, that’s why it’s better not to have any. I wanted to wake up to some warm sunlight and dance around a sunny, bright kitchen but I got the opposite. I felt angry. This day wasn’t going to be as I wanted it to be and that hurt. I felt angry at the weather and I felt angry at myself for imagining a sunny day when I knew that it’s winter and they’re not the norm right now.

Once outside I saw beauty again. I could keep the angry goggles on and hate the whole day until I went back to sleep if I wanted to, but unfortunately tomorrow will most likely be as grey and wet as it is today. Does that mean I’ll have to be angry again tomorrow? I’m not sure I want to.

The big tree is beautiful even if the sun is hidden behind the clouds, the worms are more visible because the grass is wet and muddy, the daffodils are growing thanks to the rain, the lily bulbs I planted will be awakening thanks to the damp soil they’re planted in. There is beauty even though I try to believe the world today is ruined.

My thoughts and feelings now have enough open space to move around and play in. They can now grow and take on new shapes, and when I’m ready, I can channel them into something new for you right here, and for myself when I get to re-read this POMELO. Everything right now is perfect and exactly as it should be, embrace it.

<interlude>

I wonder if there are people who read in the bath and don’t mind their hands getting wet while holding the book and leaving water marks on the pages.

Signs I know my body is on edge.

1. I bite my nails until they bleed and hurt for 3 days.

2. I clean or do chores in sped up x3 mode.

3. I wake up with thoughts like “gotta do this, do this, do this too”.

4. My stomach is off and usually bloated in pain.

5. I pick at scabs and pop spots.

6. I binge eat things that I know won’t sit right with me but in the moment I value short term pleasure over long term.

7. My mind is moving too fast to sit still and journal.