120. So much love and pain living in the same heart.
A text in English about my dear friend and boyfriend and a text in Spanish about a teenage friend that got lost along the way published in entreoctubres.
I don’t have best friends anymore as an adult, as a matter of fact, I didn’t have best friends when I was a child or a teenager. It was more that adults would make me choose a favourite by asking “but who’s your best friend?” — Nowadays, I have friends that are all equally important to me, the only difference is our dynamic.
I have some friends that I speak to on FaceTime, others I only speak to via WhatsApp or Instagram, other friends that I send voice messages to and receive photos from. I have some friends I send letters to in the post, others that send me long hearty emails. Some friends know the ins and outs of my daily life and deepest feelings, others we brush the surface. But I love every single one of them in equal measure but different forms.
S is one of my friends, she appeared in 2020 thanks to a group on an app called Geneva. Her and I were some of the people first to join and we followed each other on Instagram. Now looking back, it’s almost like we must have felt some sort of gravitational pull that helped us find each other in a place full of other people. It could have been anyone, but it was her. After that, she used to listen to a podcast C, my boyfriend, and I had. She lives in America and C and I were both mind blown that this lovely person we’d never met was actually interested in what we had to say. She would even be so kind to message us in reply to some episodes. I always felt like she had an angelic presence. Whenever she’d contact me, via text, I’d hear the voice in my head reading the words slowly, quietly and full of love. Who is this person? I’d ask myself.
Fast forward to 2024 and S is still around, more than ever in fact. We switched from Instagram to WhatsApp messages, we gave each other our phone numbers so that’s got to count as taking it to second base. We’d send each other very (very) long voice messages referring to each other as friend and then, one day we met up on FaceTime. That’s where the magic happened. Can you fall in love with your friends? Well, I did.
The first time I fell in love with her was actually before our first FaceTime call. We met up in the park while she was living in Madrid and I was there visiting some other friends. I jumped in an Uber to meet S for the very first time and we sat on the grass in a park and spoke about anything and everything. I felt so safe in her company and I remember admiring the way she’d really listen to what I was saying and ask me questions to dig deeper. I remember that when I told her about some “traumatic” things that had happened in my past, she’d always say so wholeheartedly “I’m sorry” and I’d never been given that by a friend until then. Friends can do this? Is she really listening? And acknowledging my feelings? She really is an angel.
That first meet up in the park wasn’t a coincidence, I moved to the countryside shortly after that day, making it harder to go back to Madrid and months later she moved back to The US. That meet had to happen for us to create a solid base to build on, which we decided to do.
Her angelic aura and soft relaxing voice that I discovered while talking to her in the park was the same while speaking to her through my laptop screen, she is an angel after all. It wasn’t just a facade.
This first FaceTime call was two years ago now and we still make the effort to call each other every couple of months. The latest fantastic, magical and angelical thing to happen with S is the reason why I’m writing this today:
She made a group on Instagram and added C and I. Now there’s a way for all three of us to communicate. C, my boyfriend, and S, my dear friend, had slowly begun to talk more and more via Instagram because they both love cooking and love anything to do with kitchen items/utensils and also thrifting. S also lives in a very snowy and cold place in winter so C gets very excited about the snow machines she sees on a daily basis. This new group is where I get to see two people I love very much interact and share recipes, the things they’ve cooked and questions regarding making caramel, sourdough, soups and cakes. I sit there in silence, scrolling through the conversation with puppy eyes adding hearts to every one of their speech bubbles. Two people I love very much are creating their own friendship! It’s a magical thing to witness, in fact, it’s an honour.
What really makes my heart explode is seeing my boyfriend love my friends as much as I do and then get to know each other so well that they decide to build their own friendship. Years ago, in the only other past relationship I had as a teenager, this would have been impossible. My ex thought that men and women couldn’t be friends and that if the two ever spoke it was always because it was coming from a sexual desire. Nowadays, my boyfriend C and I both know that men and women can be the closest of friends and love each other as friends, as C does with S. In no way, shape or form do I feel jealous or worried. I feel like it’s a blessing for them to get along so well and be able to become friends thanks to the bridge I may be for them to meet on until they build their own bridges further down the line.
S, thank you for being my friend and for thinking our podcast was cool. C, thank you for being such an open minded person and letting your guard down to connect with beautiful souls like S’. It’s a dream come true to share an Instagram group with you both. I love you both so much.
Llevo toda la semana con ansiedad porque he escrito un texto para la newsletter de
. No tengo sudores fríos, ni presión en el pecho, ni mariposas en la tripa por los nervios de escribir en su Habitación Compartida, sino por el tema. Este texto lleva viviendo dentro de mí desde hace unos tres años, se ha ido agrandando y empequeñeciendo con el paso del tiempo y también transformándose. He sanado muchas heridas con un bálsamo espeso y calmante este año, pero hay otras a las que aún no he llegado, y este texto representa una de mis heridas más profundas aún abiertas.No he tenido el valor de hablar sobre esto hasta ahora y la idea inicial que tenía para la newsletter de Carlota era muy distinta, pero este texto decidió que era el momento perfecto para ser contado. Lo escribí en el baño en las notas del móvil titiritando de frío después de haber vivido una vorágine de emociones en el jardín. Tuvo que salir y salió, se contó solo, yo no le puse voz sino que una Emily del pasado necesitaba hablar y se lo permití. El resultado me encanta, me siento orgullosa, pero a la vez siento un pánico terrible por sacar esto a la luz. El texto se lo he pasado a mis Escribanas de confianza para asegurarme de no existir la posibilidad de herir en caso de que le llegase a la persona de la que trata y me dieron una luz verde preciosa.
Este texto, que sale de un lugar muy profundo de mi corazón, ya no es solamente mío, trátalo con mucho cariño y no lo juzgues. Hacerse adulto dejando a viejas amistades atrás es muy doloroso y difícil, y me apuesto a que tú también piensas en alguien al leer este texto, y si ese es el caso, te mando un abrazo fuerte.
Gracias Carlota por permitirme entrar en tu Habitación Compartida y escribir algo que en mi propia habitación no hubiera podido existir. Me has dado un lugar seguro para hurgar en el pasado y convertir el dolor en algo precioso. Cuando escribimos estamos muy solas y nuestros textos solamente viven dentro de nosotras, pero el hecho de poder compartirlo con el mundo nos da la posibilidad de soltar el dolor y las palabras que lo componen para que se transforme en otra cosa cada vez que es leída. Este texto ya no es mío, solo lo es la semilla del que nació.
STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓
Films, films, films. It’s winter and it’s really cold so when it’s dark outside I’ve been entering my film era. I’ve downloaded Letterboxed because I want to keep track of all the movies I watch. This week I watched:
Society of the Snow (yes, it’s really good and I did indeed cry)
Bodies Bodies Bodies (it was a decent whodunit but the ending was random, it’s supposed to be funny but I didn’t think it was?)
Anatomy of a Fall (There’s so much hype around this film, I was dying to see it and I finally got to. It was very good but it felt like a book with an open ending and I always find those a little less satisfying, but it still a great film)
Writing.
I really enjoyed this letter by
about grief as alchemy.This piece by
- It just felt so wholesome and real. I’m also trying to tap into my feminine side while getting dressed and learning to mix that less explored side of myself with what I feel comfortable wearing. For example long skirts with baggy hoodies and trainers.This piece was spectacular by
- Let’s no longer name walks “hot girl walks” and let’s choose one from her list. I do miss The Coffee Run while living in the countryside.For my Spanish friends, este texto escrito por
me encantó. Si me conoces, ya sabrás que cualquier cosa que mencione a Sara Mesa y el libro Un Amor para mi es un SÍ, pero sobre todo, me gustó mucho la reflexión de Paula sobre el amor propio.
Video.
I really liked this video + the song + the outfit - Dua Lipa Houdini live.
This was incredible - BTS Society of the Snow.
- shared her newsletter in a video format and it was peaceful to watch. We’re all taking it easy and slow this month.
Ayo Edebri is so cool and it almost makes me feel more normal and human knowing that she almost had a heart attack on stage while receiving this award. ALSO when she thanked the assistants for their work? Love. (If you’ve not watched The Bear, go do that).
I had goosebumps reading the first part - y ese textos en Español son la perfecta practicar
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