121. Love and gratitude.

A text in English about how much it hurts to see your loved ones suffer. Un texto en Español sobre la gratitud que sentía hoy.

It’s 11 pm and I’m sitting on the sofa asking myself how I can be more relentless with my writing. What can I write about that will rip me in two and force me to dig deep. How can I access everything I have locked up inside that inner world? What do I need to do to trigger a feeling to take me there? I want to connect to a feeling that will bring out that type of writing that can only take place when I’m feeling inspired and connected to a feeling. 

I look up and I see you laying across the opposite side of the sofa with your phone in your hand. It’s not normal for you to be wide awake at this time, you’re always asleep by 9 pm. You usually curl up beside me with the dark brown blanket over you and go into a deep sleep. You always ask me to “ponerte la manita” which means  you want me to help you fall asleep. You want to feel that I’m there, holding you while you drift off. This question I get every night is the reason I believe in love. But tonight you’re not asleep, you’re not the slightest bit sleepy because you’ve come across a stranger’s blog which is giving you all the answers you needed today. 

We’ve showered together since week 1 of dating and we still do to this day. I was still laying in bed this morning trying to unpeel myself from the sheets while you went upstairs to the bathroom to turn on the electric heater. It was 14 degrees Celsius this morning in there. When I finally found enough energy to walk up the wooden stairs to the bathroom, you smiled at me and we showered. While we were drying off, you asked me if you could speak to me about something. 

You’re worried about a topic that’s been haunting you for years. You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you. But while I listened I had to hold my heart, hold my judgement and truly listen. I had to remember that you’re not me, that your life was built on different experiences and beliefs, that your childhood wasn’t the same as mine. My heart breaks a little hearing your worries, knowing that you’ve been going over and over this in your mind looking for an answer. 

In the end, I gave you my answer after treading carefully and being as objective as possible, and it helped you. It helped you to take a step forward and it unlocked a new pathway for you to take. 

I want you to always know that I’ll walk down any path with you holding your hand, letting you walk ahead or waiting for you to catch up. 

You’re not sleepy because you’ve found the answers you needed. I gave you a key this morning in the bathroom but you’ve done the rest of the work. Sometimes we don’t know how or why but sometimes, just sometimes, answers fall from the sky and point us in the right direction. The answers we’ve been looking for for years. The answers we needed seven years ago. Ten years ago. You weren’t ready for them then, but today you are. 

While I get up to get a glass of water I feel it. I feel the spark, I know that this is the feeling that will trigger the waterfall of emotions. The day started with you searching for answers and it ended with you finding them. 

If I were granted a wish I’d wish for you never to suffer or feel doubt, but I’d be robbing you of the human experience. I know you’ll be okay, I know that you’ll somehow eventually find the answers you’re looking for, and in the meantime I promise to hold your hand.

Hoy, a pesar de que el termómetro marca 12 grados, he decidido salir al jardín. Mi cerebro funciona mejor cuando me creo que mi vida es una película y que yo soy la protagonista principal, cosa que en realidad supongo que es cierto. Puse la manta de picnic en el césped, me hice un café americano en una de mis tazas favoritas, cogí mi cuaderno, mi bolígrafo verde de Muji y el libro del Book Club de este mes. En cuanto me senté en el césped, lo sentí.

Sentí como mi mente se llenaba de pensamientos positivos y sentí gratitud por poder estar sentada en mi jardín escuchando los pájaros cantar, por tener tiempo libre para escribir en mi cuaderno y tomarme el café muy caliente a sorbitos, por poder sentir el sol en mi piel, por no tener que estar pegada otro día más a la chimenea, por estar al aire libre centrada en mis cosas, pero compartiendo la experiencia con C que estaba detrás mía fabricándome una lámpara.

Cuando consigo canalizar la gratitud, siento un cosquilleo muy fuerte en la tripa y siento muchas emociones fluir a través de mi cuerpo. Muchas veces, siento que si me muriese en ese instante, todo habría merecido la pena.

Antes era imposible para mí acceder a estos sentimientos porque vivía con ansiedad y una tristeza pesada en el pecho, la vida era un sufrimiento y no sabía qué sentido tenía que yo estuviera aquí. A día de hoy no lo veo así.

Ahora veo que sentarme en mi jardín escuchando los pájaros, sentir el sol en la cara, ver el césped cada vez más verde mientras los árboles aún no tienen hojas, sentir frío a la vez que calor, saber que esta tarde voy a ver a las chicas del Book Club, acariciar a Michi la gata, observar a C trabajar en silencio, comerme un trozo de bizcocho que hicimos ayer… es lo que llena el corazón y me da ganas de vivir.

STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓

1. This essay by

   Isabel
   is everything I wish to say but she’s already done it in the most beautiful way. Isabel makes us ask ourselves the following- What if you wanted what you already had?

2. Jesús
   ha escrito sobre su experiencia con Instagram y cómo lo ve ahora. Me encantó su ensayo, puedes leerlo aquí.

3. soycloto
   siempre me hace llorar, conecto muchísimo con todo lo que publican en su newsletter. Puedes leer su última carta aquí, spoiler!! Va a publicar un cómic!!

4. Sara Morín
   ha compartido un texto nuevo y como siemmmmmpre, es buenísimo. Puedes leerlo aquí. Se llama Clínex y vas a terminar necesitando uno.