113. Lessons I've learned after 7 years in a relationship.
You never stop learning.
Before writing the first draft on my laptop, I like to write down a general structure in my notebook so that I don’t forget the main ideas I want to include. It’s usually a relaxing activity which helps me get into a state of flow. I don’t usually struggle with putting words to my thoughts and feelings apart from when I want to write about my relationship with C.
As I was writing with my green Muji pen, I felt very intense butterflies in my stomach and I felt my hand begin to shake. I can still feel that same sensation in my stomach as I type on my laptop and it feels uncomfortable, almost like when I feel anxious.
I’m pretty much an open book and will speak about anything, but for some reason, I feel differently with my relationship. I think it’s because it’s so sacred to me and it’s the thing I cherish the most in life so I fear something bad happening to it, which is to a degree irrational, but I sense that I want to protect it all costs and writing about it publicly feels like I’m letting everyone in at once.
On the 7th of November, C. and I reached our seven year anniversary and we completely forgot about it, as we always do. We were reminded by a family member’s WhatsApp message congratulating us and we laughed about it. When I was a teenager I dated someone for quite a few years and I’d remember the date to every single milestone. It was one of those very intense toxic teenager loves and everything felt important back then. Nowadays, every day I’m lathered in so much real love that there are too many milestones to keep track of.
Taking it back to the butterflies.
It may seem that by writing about C. I feel butterflies because of how much I love him, because that’s what we’re all told and taught growing up. That when you kiss someone you feel fireworks or that simply seeing them from afar will give you butterflies in your stomach, but that’s not the case with C. I love him in a way that I’ve never loved anyone else before.
I can remember this typical Tumblr quote from many years ago that said something that I’d never understood until meeting C. I thought that it made no sense and I used to ask myself how it could be possible.
“If a man gives you butterflies when you hold his hand, that’s not your place. Holding a man’s hand should make you feel safe and at peace.”
I always thought that love was a constant party and a constant roller coaster of emotions, but my experience with C. has been different. He’s never made me feel butterflies, he’s always made me feel calm, like I can let my guard down around him and that I’m completely protected. Whenever I hold his hand I feel grounded and we even have an inside joke that when we kiss we don’t feel anything, “nope, no fireworks here” we say after each time we kiss to see if we feel sparks. I do feel an explosion of love whenever he kisses my forehead though. The first kiss he ever gave me was on my cheek, that’s when I knew things were going to be different with him.
Hugging him always feels like I’m at home, his hand on my leg while he’s driving makes me smile every single time, his coffee in the morning makes me feel like a princess and I feel a rainbow of emotions, but none of them make me feel like I’m in The Notebook which made me cry so much late at night when I was in high school. I thought that you had to suffer in order to be in love.
When we first started dating, I was 19 and I was just as intense as I am now. I knew that I loved him with my whole heart the day we sat down and spoke for five hours non stop on his single mattress bed. I knew that I’d found something I didn’t believe existed. I had a terrible relationship with the guy I mentioned above as a young teen, maybe one day I’ll speak about it, but for now let’s just label it a big mess. A mess that taught me a lot and flung me into adulthood too soon. Once that ended, I really didn’t believe that love existed because I’d felt all the butterflies and I’d done all of the crazy-teenager-in-love things and I still felt completely empty, hurt and alone. If none of that had been true, why go through it all again?
I started university ready to never ever look at a guy again until I met C. by accident. All of my plans were ruined and my walls came crumbling down within two months of moving to the student dorms. Was this a light at the end of the tunnel? Was this a second chance? Was I being fooled? Was this really happening? But everything felt so different. No butterflies, no crazy “I’d do anything for this dude” thoughts, no weird sensations, just a hello that felt like I’d never get a good bye.
Seven years later, we’ve not come close to saying goodbye. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it might not happen in the future because, well, life. But so far it’s been a steady road of building a life together and this is what I really wanted to get to. After spending more than 2.555 days with this person, each day that passes teaches me more about love and about being in a relationship.
Years ago while living in our first apartment together, I imagined that after the three-ish year mark, we’d have it all figured out and that everything would come easy because how hard can it be to build a life with someone while you’re building your own life and they’re doing the same?
The person I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore and the person that fell in love with him doesn’t exist anymore either. There are remaining aspects, which we could call our essence, but we’ve both grown and changed drastically these past few years. This may be one of the things that makes relationships crumble and I can totally understand why. It requires constant work and system updates.
I’ve been having a lot of mental clicks regarding my relationship with C. lately and it’s helped me to change the way I see things and act in certain situations. Rauw Alejandro’s song Hayami Hana can bring me back to the present moment within seconds because of those lyrics. There’s especially one sentence that gets me every single time:
“No sé cómo parar de pensar en ese último abrazo
Y si supiera que iba a ser el último, no la hubiera solta'o.”
*(I don’t know how to stop thinking about that last hug
and if I’d known that it was going to be the last one, I wouldn’t have let her go).
We get caught up in life and forget that it could all disappear tomorrow and that song puts into words so much of Rauw’s pain and loss that it makes me truly appreciate what I have. My mind tends to wander off into the future and I forget that what I have today will never come back once the sun sets, so this song helps to anchor me, really look at C. and connect with him from my soul.
Another click I’ve had was thanks to our first ever karaoke session before watching a film. I was waiting for C. to boil the water for our hot water bottles and I put Just the way you are on by Bruno Mars and I stood up on the sofa and sang it to him (really badly) and he started to laugh. This is something I do regularly, I sing into my imaginary microphone and dance terribly while he cooks, reads, showers, cleans, anything really. I usually close my eyes because I feel embarrassed but every time I open them to check if he’s looking, he is. He’s laughing and his eyes are telling me that he’s going to explode because of how cute he thinks I am. After many years of my individual dance parties, this week he joined me with his imaginary microphone and sang at the top of his lungs.
I couldn’t believe it. I carried on and didn’t make any sudden movements to avoid knocking him out of this new found courage. Once Bruno Mars’ song finished, to my surprise, we sang another, and another, and another. He loved it and I fell in love all over again. After seven years of living with this same person, we’d reached a whole new level of intimacy and trust. We were trusting each other to not judge our insecurities, our terrible singing voices, our imaginary microphones, and I felt like we’d walked through a door and jumped into a void where nothing bad could happen to us. We could let go, live in the moment, act as silly as we wanted to because we were both safe.
In that moment, I didn’t feel the need to record it on my phone or try to capture the moment because what I was feeling and the connection we’d made in that instance would change by including the iPhone. I stayed present and I made an extra effort to really soak it all up because there was no phone to keep it for me once it was over. It all depended on me and because I did that, the moment has so much more value to me and I feel like I’ve locked it away in a special compartment of my heart with one of those heart shaped keys.
The other big click I’ve had lately is what I wrote about last week, learning how to truly be there for a loved one without feeling the need to save them.
After being with C. for seven years now, I’m still learning how to be in a relationship and be the partner that he deserves and I want to be. As I’m growing as a person, I’m growing as a partner; and so is he. It’s easy to see other people’s relationships and compare ours to theirs or to even think that some people are blessed with a perfect and easy relationship but I don’t think that’s ever true. Every year I’ve learned new things about being a partner and having to change things about myself so that I don’t hurt the other person. Growing is healing and changing, adapting and surrendering, and that’s hard sometimes.
The first time I forced myself to take accountability for my mistake and apologise instead of throwing the ball back into his court, as I used to do, it was really hard and it took all of my power to get those words out of my mouth and process that shame, but I learned how to do it and nowadays it comes easier. But it’s not always easy and relationships take a lot of work. I think that’s why I’m so proud of what we’ve built together. I’ve always felt safe but it’s been really hard sometimes.
Celebrate the highs and the lows because they’re both as necessary and valuable. Last week we were sitting in bed holding each other while one of us was broken and this week we were singing Bruno Mars and Drake songs into imaginary microphones before watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓
Hot water bottles. This has changed my experience with the cold forever. It’s crazy how warm you can get within minutes of crawling into bed with one.
This essay absolutely broke my brain regarding therapy and how it’s become a trend in my generation.
I’m absolutely obsessed with
and I recommend all of her essays but last week I specifically saved this one to share here: Link.This essay also resonated a lot with me last week written by
.This running group in Madrid is super cool and free for anyone to join. I definitely would if I were living in the city.
MY PROJECTS I’D LIKE TO TELL YOU ABOUT ↓
Dimanche objects is mine and
latest project. We buy second hand objects every dimanche (Sunday) in France at flea markets all over the region and sell them to help find them a new home. There are so many existing objects that deserve a second life and most of them were made to last, unlike most things made nowadays. We can’t keep everything we find so we decided to launch this project that’s born from our love for well made objects and we hope to help you find something you’d love to have in your home too.
Where you could put your new Dimanche objects POMELO Book Club is one of the best things I’ve ever done. After +2 years of believing it was possible, the Book Club is growing and becoming one of the loveliest communities I’ve ever been a part of. We read a book every month and meet up on the last Sunday of the month via Google Meets to chat about it and give each other book, podcast or film recommendations. We’re mostly women and it’s a very safe and loving online space. You can contact me via Instagram if you’d like to give it a try ❤️
Seen as this essay was inspired by the love of my life
, I think that this is the perfect time to include his personal project called vigas.works - I’m extremely proud of everything he does and what may seem like a simple website and some objects is only the tip of the iceberg that you get to see. He’s worked a lot and gone through a lot to make this a reality and in my, not so objective, opinion he deserves so much love and support.
Karaoke goals 🫶
Thank you so much for opening your heart up. I enjoyed the read. "Feel safe and at peace" such a bliss...I'm on the way to find that and leaving behind the butterflies...