111. I showed up for myself every day this week and this is what happened.

I documented the process and wanted to share it with you.

Last week my friends, Sara and María, blew my mind with one sentence: The only way to gain trust in yourself is by doing what you promised yourself you’d do.

This sparked something inside of me and got me thinking about how I’m never my own priority. I’m great at keeping promises for other people, writing down people’s birthdays and doctors appointments in my diary, making sure to check in with my friends if we haven’t spoken in a few days… But I don’t do the same with myself.

Sara and María said that they feel taken care of, loved and safe thanks to showing up for themselves. The only thing that is entirely mine that I prioritise no matter what is writing this newsletter. Every Sunday no matter what’s going on in my life, I sit down and I edit what I’ve written so that it’s ready to be published on Monday morning. I’ve been consistent since day one and throughout these two years, I’ve sat down no matter what. For myself. And every Monday when I see that POMELO has been published, I feel proud and my heart feels full.

This made me understand what my friends mean. This feeling of trusting yourself and knowing that you won’t let yourself fall is something I’ve only ever felt with my newsletter. If a client needs to reschedule five minutes before the appointment, I brush it under the rug and work around them instead of holding my boundary. If someone cancels our plans while I’m on my way to meeting them I’ll make sure to not get offended and be empathetic. If plan to have a warm bath before going to bed and my partner suggests watching a film, I’ll pretend like I never had any plans and do what they wanted to do. I bend into any shape or form to make the other person happy but where does that leave my happiness?

This of course isn’t the other person’s fault. If I were to turn down watching a film to have a bath, my partner would probably even offer to run the bath for me and light a candle, but I’ve gotten so used to me always being second place that I’m now having to learn how to put myself back on the podium and feel comfortable there.

Learning how to say “That sounds like a great idea but I can’t tonight, I had plans with myself” or saying “I understand that you have a lot going on, but I’d cleared my morning and organised my day around our meeting and you’re cancelling on me five minutes before, that’s not cool”. I’m scared to put myself first. I’m scared of looking like a mean person. I’m terrified of people thinking that I’m not nice but all I’m doing is teaching myself that I can’t trust myself. I’m not nice to myself because I’m too busy trying to please everyone else.

I asked Sara and María how they do this whole “show up for yourself” thing and they shared their experiences. María said that she does it intuitively and that it really works for her. Sara said that she’s been doing it with small things lately and wants to take it to a higher level. I want to start from the very beginning.

The way for me to keep accountability and to see how I’ve been showing up for myself was, of course, by writing. Every night, while sat in bed, I wrote a list in my journal and I figured that I’d share what I wrote down with you because it really has been a positive experience and it may inspire one of you or spark something inside of you like it did for me.

MONDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ I finally bought myself a new bottle of shampoo instead of forcing myself to use the ones I already have and having greasy hair because they don’t work for me.

→ I told myself that I’d have a warm shower before work with my new shampoo and I did.

→ I wanted to eat minestrone so instead of brushing it off like I usually do, I wrote down a list of ingredients, went to the supermarket to buy them and cooked the recipe for dinner.

→ I wanted to catch up with the newsletters I hadn’t read so instead of using my phone I opened my laptop and read them all. It felt great after.

→ The night before, I told myself I’d get up earlier than usual to make pancakes for C. and I for breakfast and I felt so proud of myself - (Waking up early is something I find very hard so doing what I said I would felt like a massive achievement).

→ My romanesco plants needed some TLC and I’d been putting it off because of the cold, but I tended to them and they’re looking better.

TUESDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ I cleaned the bathroom and whole house.

→ I respected the boundary I’d set with “them” and I felt strong and powerful afterwards.

→ I interviewed Carlos for a new project I’m working on even though I was scared and nervous. It turned out great.

→ I ate the gnocchis I’d been dreaming of all day for dinner instead of making myself eat the leftovers because I “had to”.

→ I went outside to sit in the sun even though it was chilly. It’s been cloudy for the past few days and it’s easier to stay sat on the sofa with the blanket instead of actually going outside.

→ I changed our duvet cover to our winter one even though I hate doing that task. We’re much toastier now.

WEDNESDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ I wore my favourite leather jacket out in public even though I felt self conscious and worried because it’s not something I’d usually wear. I wanted to, so I did and I felt cute.

→ I promised myself that I’d push through my reading slump and finish reading my book. I did and I felt great after.

→ I bought a mug (even though C. said he didn’t like it) and whenever I drink my coffee from it I feel happy. I didn’t need external validation because I had my own.

THURSDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ I finally got my ass to the post office, spoke to the post lady in broken French, asked for extra stamps (bought the wrong ones and had to go back in to change them for the correct ones) and sent my friend a little present that I’d had for weeks possibly months.

→ Fixed the bathtub plug issue after saying I’d sort it for months and was finally able to have a scorching hot bath when I was feeling a bit down and lethargic.

→ Allowed myself to buy scones, cream cheese and raspberry jam in the supermarket even though it wasn’t on the list.

→ Allowed myself to have an afternoon nap after trying to fight it all day. I slept for forty minutes and had way more energy than when I lay down.

→ Went to see the romanesco plants again. Covered the soil around them with firewood ash and sprayed them with dish soap and water to try and get rid of the pests that are eating the leaves.

→ Cleaned the dishes and kitchen in candlelight before going to bed.

FRIDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ Iced cold shower to help with my mood and to fight the cold (it was amazing).

→ Wore a cute outfit and my leather jacket again to try and feel more comfortable and “like me” while wearing it.

→ Went for a little walk outside while I spoke to my dad on the phone.

→ Checked on the romanesco plants and sprayed them three times throughout the day.

SATURDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ Got up at 8:30 a.m. to have crumpets and coffee, wrote my morning pages and started the day off slowly before working at 10 a.m.

→ Put on a cute outfit to be around the house to feel energised.

→ Got in the 10km bike ride I’d promised myself I’d do this week. It’s really cold, windy and grey, and getting on a bike isn’t as fun as in summer but some movement makes me feel good and sleep better.

→ Forced myself to stop watching a series to sit down at the table and journal. I’d been staring at the screen for a long time which never makes me feel great.

SUNDAY THINGS I DID FOR MYSELF

→ I wore a cute outfit again (I usually live in sweats, so this sometimes requires real effort).

→ I bought the wicker basket that I’ve been dreaming of for 6 months. I told myself that when I found the right one, I’d buy it and that day was today. The best part? It cost 3 euros.

→ I allowed myself to feel angry, sad, ashamed and happy all in the same day without thinking my day was ruined because I’d felt angry. I’m working on understanding that no feelings are bad and that conflict is a normal part of life too. I can move past it and allow my day to carry on without baggage.

→ I got up and washed all the dishes after our Sunday roast so that the kitchen would be clean all evening.

→ I journaled every day this week no matter what.

In conclusion, this little experiment has helped to show me that I can be there for myself and I can trust myself when I say that I’ll do something (for myself). I felt like I was taking care of my inner child and understanding that I can be flexible with when I do certain things but that in the end, I’ll follow through.

After thinking about this idea a lot this week, my intention is to understand and internalise that I’m a person and that I need taking care of too. I consider myself to be a very good friend, a caring family member and partner, a thoughtful person, an attentive person and someone with a big heart, but I can be all of those things for myself too. I’m lucky enough to have a partner that takes care of me, loves me, supports me and shows up for me every single day, but that’s not an excuse for me to not show up for myself too. I can be my person and I want to learn to be her.

STUFF I WANT TO SHARE ↓

1. Nneka Julia
   inspired me to also use my journal this week to write my “morning pages”. When you start your day, this is during or right after breakfast for me, you dump everything you’re feeling or thinking onto the page without judgement or shame. You allow everything to flow with the purpose of checking in with yourself and listening to what your inner voice has to say. You don’t have to go back and read these pages or judge your past self, you just have to give them room and allow them to be in that exact moment.

2. I wanted to share my friend María’s blog - She’s a fantastic writer and plays with many different formats and voices and inspires me to play when writing.
   Un perro is one of my favourites.

3. I also wanted to share my friend Sara’s newsletter called de momento, así - She also inspires me as a writer. I met both María and Sara on a writing course and was in awe with the way they write. I still feel that way today about them.

4. This piece by

   Mind Mine
   absolutely blew my mind this week. I shared it with everyone hoping they’d love it too. She wrote about the idea of “being ready” and I’ll let her explain it to you through her writing.

5. I’m sorry if you don’t understand Spanish but if you do, I can’t recommend this series more. It’s called La Mesías and it’s the BEST thing I’ve watched this year (along with The Bear). It’s giving religious sect, obsession, dark, sci-fi, musical, flashbacks in time and 90’s Spain vibes all at once. It’s a masterpiece.