102. A little part of my story

About looking back and speaking to that younger and lost Emily + a reminder that this is your last chance to preorder any of the POMELO clothes.

Before we start, I just wanted to give a quick reminder that this is the last week to preorder any of the POMELO clothes. You can read more about the collection here: POMELO ANGELS — Thank you to everyone that has already preordered something and shown interest, I really do appreciate all of your support with my projects <3

These are the 4 items that form the ANGELS collection ✨

Dear younger Emily,

It’s 2020, you feel lost and have no idea what you’re supposed to be doing or want to do with your life. You see everyone around you finishing degrees, starting masters degrees, getting jobs, studying for state exams, but you don’t want any of that. None of that feels right or the slightest bit interesting. You think that if you don’t continue to study then you must find a job, and not any job, a decent job or one that you love. But how are you supposed to know what you love if you don’t know who you are as a person yet? Allow yourself to take it one step at a time.

There are many different life paths to follow and none of them are perfect, ideal or the right one; they’re only paths and they aren’t one straight line that continues on forever with no twists and turns. You’re being made to think that getting a degree, doing a masters and then getting a job will put you on the right path and that then you’ll be set for life, this isn’t necessarily true either. There are hundreds of reasons why that straight ladder idea isn’t ideal, for some it may be, but for you it isn’t.

You’re going to have to fight for your path. You’re going to have to go against what the wise adults say. You’re going to have to go against your brain telling you to follow the others. You’re going to have to really fight to get a tiny bit closer to the path you want to be on, but you’ll do it. You don’t know what this path looks like right now but you’ll find out, just keep trusting.

Whenever someone asks you “why?” you’ll have no answer other than “it feels right” and that won’t make sense to a lot of people, but you know what feels right. Follow your intuition.

You’re going to be told that you need to make as much money as you can and to get the best job that you can because that’s what life’s all about. You won’t believe this or care that much about money, but you’re going to be told this same thing a thousand times. You’re going to be told that an education is the solution to all of life’s problems. You’re going to be told that people can take anything from you apart from your diplomas. But you don’t believe that entirely to be true, and that’s okay too.

I’ll say it again, you’re going to have to fight. 

You’ll become tired of fighting, you’ll want to give up, you’ll cry the deepest and saddest cries you’ve ever let out, you’ll feel lost and depressed, you’ll feel like life’s out to get you, that it’s unfair, that you’re not good at anything. This is when you’ll begin to heal and find your path and trust me, it will all be worth it.

Your path starts with healing. Healing your illnesses, your fears, your wounds. This will be one of the most painful journeys you embark on and when you’re in bed howling from the pain, you’ll ask yourself time and time again why you did this. Why you decided to fight. Being on the other side was less painful than going through this dark never ending black hole. But hang in there, this time it has to really hurt before it starts to get better again, but you’ll manage to make it. When you learn to sit with those demons and feel that much pain, you’ll learn that you’re strong and that you can sit in silence with yourself and no longer fear your inner voice. You’ll be able to listen, understand and redirect. You’ll understand what it feels like to be in control of your life.

Your dark twisted path will become lighter, the weight in your rucksack will slowly begin to empty itself, you’ll take out one rock after another and leave it all behind you until one day you’ll realise that it’s almost empty. I know that this sounds impossible right now, but it will, I promise. First it will become empty of rocks and then you’ll be able to fill it with tools and lighter beliefs as you get older and discover more about who you are.

Life will become lighter, your mind will become sunnier, your eyes will shine again, your body will heal, your entire surroundings will change. All because you went down that dark painful path and sat with the pain.

Once you exit the dark forest, you’ll see an open field in front of you. Life no longer looks like a ladder that needs to be climbed to reach the top to be successful. Life will become an open field, the boundless sky, the huge sea, the towering mountains. Life will become an enormous open space full of abundance and sunshine where simply existing is your entire life’s purpose. 

You’ll understand that money isn’t what it used to be for you, it’s no longer something you need to have but something you’ll always have in greater or smaller amounts. You’ll always have exactly what you need and it will forever come and go. Money will buy you experiences and things that will give value to your life. You’ll always be on the receiving end instead of on the losing-spending end. You’ll understand money as your token to exist in society, to be able to rent a house and eat food, but it will be an exchange that you see as something wonderful instead of being a burden. Money will give you the opportunity to move around the world, live, come and go, experience different things, it will no longer be something you feel like you have to hold onto and obsess over. 

All of those quotes you read about “finding your people” and “creating your own path” or “finding your dharma” will all make sense when you reach the feeling of life being an open field. You’ll realise that what you’re choosing is creating changes in your life. If you listen to people on a path you don’t want to follow, you’ll never find the courage to pave your own path. Focus on your lane and look inside. When you start to listen to yourself, you’ll understand that you don’t need a map. Life will find its way of letting you know where to go. 

You will find your dharma, your passion, your innate talent. You’ll have to jump off of a very high cliff and trust that you’ll enter the water with a perfect dive. Spoiler alert: you will. You’ll feel fear when you’re in midair on your way down, but when you finally find yourself swimming on the other side of fear, you’ll never look back. You’ll find a way to share your writing, you’ll create your own little space on the Internet and people will find you. You’ll connect with so many new people that your whole circle will evolve. One day you’ll wake up and realise that every chat in your WhatsApp will be with someone you didn’t know three years ago. That every person you interact with on Substack and Instagram were strangers not long ago and most of them, you’ve only seen through video calls. They’ll teach you what friendship is and you’ll understand the value of community after spending so many years alone.

You’ll realise that you trusted your instinct when all the adults had told you to go the opposite way, that you were crazy. You’ll realise that you knew what was best for you and you made it happen. 

When you’re out in the open field, feeling like life is a blessing, nature is abundant, people and community are what make life worth living, giving is better than receiving and aware that time is the only finite thing in life; you’ll feel your heart drop when someone you know says to you that they’re scared of getting older or that they feel lost because they don’t know what to do with their life. You’ll feel blessed to have gone through it and come out the other side a new person, but you’ll feel deeply for those that are beginning on the dark trail. 

Everyone has their own path and no two look alike. Each path is valuable and necessary. Each path has its pros and cons. Each path is difficult and easy. But when we share our paths with others, we realise that everyone has something to teach us and that knowledge and experience will never be finite. Appreciate everyone’s point of view and experience, try to understand what they’re feeling, observe without judgement and wave hello from your path. 

P.S. Yes Emily, you will reach the open field and see what life has to offer, but that won’t be the end of the dark trails. They’ll always creep up on you and have something new to teach you, but they’ll be less scary and you’ll know how to cocoon your way through them. It’s a bit like finishing one drop on the rollercoaster and feeling ease and then realising that you’re climbing again. Everything that goes up must come down. The difference is that you’ll learn how to do it more gracefully and without as much crashing. 

With love,
Emily.

Feeling happy with life.